


All of Me

by petalouda85



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drug Use, Eventual Character Death, Homophobia, Mental Health Issues, Modern AU, Multi, Racism, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self Harm Thoughts, Some general warnings:, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing, modern!AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-20
Updated: 2017-05-09
Packaged: 2018-06-03 12:28:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 22,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6610726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/petalouda85/pseuds/petalouda85
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben's life is out of control and he is on a path towards destruction. After a traumatic experience involving people he trusted, it would seem his life could only continue down its dark path. But a short encounter with a stranger in a Starbucks and a new friendship with a newcomer at his church bolsters a much needed feeling of hope within him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first full length SW fic and goodness, it’s going to be a long one. Current number of chapters planned: 79. It’s going to be a very slow paced but then again, a lot happens. Hopefully it’ll be interesting. Please forgive any OOC-ness in the characters; the only SW characters I have experience with is Kylo and Hux (and even that’s still recent).

True grad night tonight. The finals were done and the results were in: they had all passed. Kylo was dancing widely to the deafening music alongside Tarken and Jakara while four of his other friends were sitting in the booth. Snoke and his girlfriend were nowhere to be seen but they were no doubt nearby, either smoking marijuana outside or screwing in the bathroom; regardless, they'd probably pop back up sometime soon.

"Hey, Kylo!" Jakara shouted over the music before taking a large chug of her beer. "We've been at this dump for the past hour and I haven't seen you take a single sip of booze. What the fuck? You're eighteen now and graduated high school! You gotta drink!"

"And what? End up hammered like you? No thanks!" Kylo snapped back. An arm was put around his shoulders.

"Come on, Ky. One drink; hardly harmful now, is it?" Tarken slurred, holding up his bottle.

"Give him a new bottle, Tarken. Don’t want him hacking up blood from your stinking germ invested beer." A new voice snapped. The three looked up and spotted the leader of their little group: Snoke, his long arm around the waist of his girlfriend. Tarken removed his arm from Kylo, seemingly ignoring the harsh comment, and went to the bar to get the drink while Snoke approached the tall man and began to lead him back to the table, the girlfriend not far behind.

"I understand that you may be a bit reluctant to try drinking; it’s something new for you and, truth be told it can be scary." The leader mused, making whatever was causing Kylo doubt himself slowly disappear. "But, you're eighteen now." He snatched the new beer from Tarken and held it out to the man, "And you're not Daddy's and Mommy's boy, are you?" Kylo snatched the bottle without hesitance and put it to his lips, chugging the bitter substance quickly to the goading of his friends. Within seconds, the bottle was empty and he finished the honorary ritual with a loud belch. Everyone cheered.

“There. That wasn’t so bad now, was it?” Snoke commented while Kylo put the bottle down on the table,

“Tasted like fucking piss.” He snapped back, downing a glass of water to get rid of the bitter taste, ignoring Jermic’s protest. “It’s fucking water, Jermic; don’t be such a prissy.” All the females laughed while Jermic brooded quietly. Kylo slammed the glass back on the table and let out another belch, this one much quieter than before. “That was disgusting; what kind of beer was that?”

“Heineken; true Dutch beer.” Ben gawked at Snoke for a moment. A Dutch beer…

“Well, it was fucking gross. Those giants should stick to wearing those stupid wooden shoes and making their gross cheese; it’s the only thing they’re apparently good at.” Snoke let out a hearty chuckle

“Well, seeing as you don’t like the beer of the cheese eating, blonde bastards, want to try some good ol’ Irish beer?” The leader asked, putting on a horrendous Irish accent, which made the group laugh. In response, Kylo shook his head, ignoring the crude comment his friend had made

“If I wanted another drink, the last thing I’d want is Guinness.”

“You’ve only tried beer and you’re already going to stop. Dude, beer is just the tip of the drinking iceberg; you gotta have more.” Jermic intercepted.

“Need I remind you that of the eight of us, I’m the only one that has a job and that I have a shift tomorrow? And I’d rather not be walking around a fucking grocery store with a splitting headache and wanting to puke my guts out.” The seven immediately began to argue, six against Kylo, the majority trying to get him to stop acting so serious and so adult-like for the night.

“Kylo,” Snoke interrupted, the fighting dissipating, “Two drinks are hardly going to make you hungover, let alone drunk. Besides, you’ve got the build of someone who can hold their liquor a lot better than most. A few drinks can barely do any harm, especially if you drink some water afterwards.” Kylo was quiet for a moment, pondering what Snoke had said, his gaze on the empty bottle of Heineken. After a moment, he turned to Tarken.

“You better get something that tastes a while fucking lot better this time.” Tarken rubbed his forehead and elbowed Kelan. The man punched Tarken in return and rose from his spot.

“No beer then?”

“You bring me beer and I’ll shove the bottle up your ass.” The threat made all but Kelan laugh, the man sulking off to the bar to get another drink with a frown on his face. Still laughing, Snoke reached up and placed a hand on Kylo’s shoulder.

“That’s the Kylo I know.”

“Someone who randomly threatens his comrade when asking a very reasonable question?” Snoke’s girlfriend spoke, giving Kylo and Snoke a smile that would’ve made men melt at the knees or get a solid boner. Seemed to work on Snoke as he began making out with her ravenously; it made Kylo feel a little awkward.

Kelan returned to the table and shoved the glass into Kylo’s hand, the liquid nearly spilling over him. Jakara gave him a tiny slap on his head while the man took a sip. He let out a sound of contentment.

“This I like.” He took another sip, “What is this?”

“Rum and coke.” Kylo gave the man a thumbs up while taking more of the drink. “PS, Ky: you owe me a couple of bucks; I’m not your bloody servant. You also owe Tarken for the beer.” Kylo reached into his pocket and threw a bill of ten to him.

“That enough?” Kelan took a look at the bill, doing a quick addition in his head.

“If you got two fives, then yes.” Kylo took back the ten and rummaged through his pockets for said fives. He found some and gave them to Kelan, who gave one bill to Tarken.

“Now that that’s all done,” Dalharil interceded, grabbing her Palm Bay can and chugging the remnants of it before crushing the metal with her hand, “Can we get back to partying? It’s barely begun!” All of them boisterously shouted in agreement, Jakara jumping up to run back to the dance floor; Tarken, Kelan, Dalharil, and Jermic headed to the pool table; Snoke and his woman went out to the patio for a smoke and Kylo and Sela headed to the bar to get more drinks.

While he liked the rum and coke, he kind of wanted to try something else, preferably not something too heavy; his companion suggested a liqueur called Kinky while she took a Palm Bay. Weird as he found the name of the liqueur, it tasted quite good, better than the rum. Once that drink was done, he took another suggestion from Snoke. He suggested a Bloody Mary, a mistake Kylo quickly realized when they began playing Sociables and an ace (which was assigned "waterfall") was the first card pulled. It burned his throat and chugging several large glasses of water just barely prevented him from throwing up at the table; of course, his agony made his friends laugh. New drinks were ordered (Kylo returning to the liqueur) and the game continued, all of them downing a minimum of four drinks in the hour that they played.

It was nearing midnight and the bar was still in full bloom but slowly people began trickling out to return home or to find other adventures in the nightlife. But even with the reduced density, Kylo didn’t notice an old, worn Ram truck with a number plate stating “Falcon” on the front bumper pulling into the parking lot or who came out of it; he was still too preoccupied, downing another glass of rum and coke. He only noticed when said figure was appeared in front of him.

“Hello, Han Solo.” Kylo slurred, finishing up his drink and proceeding to giggle for no apparent reason; he had completely forgotten that his father would be picking him up. The elder man barely reacted to the fact that his son was addressing him by his name; he blamed the alcohol for it, which Ben had obviously had a lot of, considering he was swaying even though he was seated.

“Time to go, Ben.” His so immediately shook his head, putting on a near childish pout, making the others (who seemed surprisingly sober) laugh.

“I don’t wanna go.”

“That is not open for argument.” Han replied, grabbing Ben’s black sweater from a nearby hook and helped him up, the teen nearly dropping back to the floor.

“Kylo’s not leaving yet, Old Man.” Snoke interrupted, stepping in front of Han and blocking his path, “the party has barely begun.”

“You have been at it for five hours; Ben’s going home. Unlike you, he has responsibilities.” Taking a good hold of his son, Han pushed Snoke aside and headed out to his truck, carefully helping Ben into the passenger side.  He happened to glance back through the lit windows of the bar to find Snoke still glaring at him. He ignored it and climbed into his truck. He had to turn the key a few times before the vehicle jumped to life and they were on their way home. Hs wife had made several attempts to get him to buy a new truck before this one fell to bits but Han refused. This was one of his most prized possessions ad he’d be damned if he gave up his beloved Falcon now.

On their way home, he glanced over at Ben, the teen obviously nearing the point of passing out but his mind desperately clinging on to consciousness while looking sick to his stomach. Han quickly rolled the window down, the chilly night air wafting in and making Ben’s black hair dance. He seemed to like it as he moved slightly so that his face was directly in the stream of refreshing air.

“ _I’m a little teapot, short and stout…_ What a stupid fucking teapot.” Ben muttered under his breath, his father looking at him, chuckling and shaking his head.

“Kid, you are gonna have one hell of a headache in the morning.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I probably could've done better on this but I'm still happy with what I got. Enjoy!

Some people use alarm clocks, others their phone, and some use the sun to wake up in the morning. Ben preferred to wake with the sun but after his wild grad party the previous night, he slept way past that mark. When he finally woke up and was coherent enough to care about the time, he fell out of his bed when he saw it was 11:15am; he was supposed to be at work at 10. His fall must’ve made quite a noise as a minute later, his mother entered the room with a smirk on her face.

“Thanks for not waking me!” He snapped at the woman, searching under his bed for missing parts of his uniform as Chewie, the family dog, came running in and made himself comfortable on the still warm sheets.

“I would’ve woken you…” The woman replied, a slight giggle in her voice, “If I hadn’t called your work and told them you were sick.” The teen instantly stopped his mad dashing around the room. He stared at the woman in disbelief for a moment before dropping the apron in his hands and crashing back onto his bed, burying his face into the pillow as the dog moved closer to cuddle with him.

“You couldn’t have told me sooner, could you?” He said into the pillow, feeling the mattress dip under his mother’s weight.

“I know but you needed your sleep, especially after you threw up this morning.” The teenager turned so one eye looked at the woman.

“I threw up?” When confirmation came, he groaned in misery, turning his head back into the soft pillow as his head started pounding. “I’m never drinking again.”

“I’d appreciate that.” She began playing with his hair, “You hugging the toilet at 3am is not exactly the most pleasant way to wake up.” After the teen groaned once more, she leaned down and placed a kiss on his head. “Now, get up; you can’t lie in bed all day.”

“Watch me.” He replied, grabbing his pillow and covering his head with it. The woman watched her son for a moment with raised eyebrows but it wasn’t long before a mischievous smile appeared and she attacked her son, tickling his sides. The teen screamed out.

“Mom! Stop!” He laughed, trying to push her hands off of him while thrashing around, Chewie jumping off the bed in fright.

“What’s the magic word?” Leia teased, intensifying the tickles, making Ben howl even louder.

“Please!” He screamed, his laughter continuing even after his mother stopped seconds later. “That was mean.” He panted.

“Then you should be glad that I’m not your cousin.” Ben let out a tiny chuckle and nodded; his cousin would’ve kept on tickling him. His breathing now back to a somewhat normal rate, he covered his eyes.

“I’ll get up in a second.”

“No, now.” The woman rose from the bed and opened the blinds all the way, the sunlight shining into his face. “Try to eat something and then, come help me in the garden; there’s some things that need to be done.” And she left the room.

Ben remained in bed for another five minutes before he dragged himself off of the comfortable mattress. The instant hit of nausea and headaches made him want to crash back into bed but he reluctantly trudged over to the bathroom, getting himself a cup of water and splashing his face with the cool liquid. He looked like an absolute mess: hair messy, bags under his eyes, and sickly pale complexion; maybe a day outside in the sunlight and fresh air would do him good.

After getting dressed in the first pieces of clothing he could find (shorts and his high school basketball team shirt), he headed towards the kitchen, the smell of bacon and eggs nearly making him run back to the toilet. By some miracle, the vomit remained in his stomach as well as the tiny piece of plain toast he managed to swallow with some more water.

After filling up two water bottles and adding some ice to them, he headed out the front door to the lawn, Chewie dashing past him and starting to run around the grass, eventually getting distracted by some butterflies.

Pulling weeds, tossing fertilizer and watering plants was not how he pictured his day would go but it was definitely better than being stuck behind a till for eight hours and listening to idiots complain about the dumbest things. Plus, the fact he got to do it with his mother made the gardening infinitely better; it wasn’t a common occurrence in his childhood.

It was nearing 3pm. His father wasn’t home yet, his hangover was nearly gone, the gardening nearly finished and he was certain he had sunburn on his shoulder but all in all, it hadn’t been a bad day. He wiped the sweat on his forehead when his phone chimed. He wiped his dirt stained hands as best he could on the equally dirty ray and read the text. It was from Snoke.

_Hey Ky dropped by your work. Where the hell are you???_

_I called in sick. Fucking threw up this morning._ He didn’t put the device away; Snoke was always a fast texter.

_Wimp. That’s what you get for drinking that much definitely more water next time._ Ben winced slightly at the message.

_I would’ve had more if you weren’t so demanding that I had more alcohol first_ He wanted to write but he quickly removed it and replaced it with _Okay, I’ll keep that in mind_ The phone was barely in his pocket when it chimed again.

_Make sure you do. Anyway, Jakara’s parents are out of town. We’re having a party at her place tonight. See ya there._ Ben gulped slightly and slowly typed in his reply.

_I can’t go_

_Why not?_

_Tomorrow’s Sunday_

_So?_  Ben groaned softly and angrily replied.

_I have church, Sunday school and work! I’ve told you a million times! I can’t fucking go to any of those while wanting to puke my guts out!_

_And I should care because…_

_Because these are things I can’t avoid!_

_Well youre boring_

Anger boiling in him, Ben wanted to reply _Oh, I’m sorry, Supreme Leader, that I have other priorities other than serving your ass_ but he opted for _Maybe next time_

_You better be there_ Snoke replied, Ben hearing his threatening tone all too well. He was more than relieved when he didn’t send anymore messages. His relief was mixed in with a feeling of guilt and a small amount of dread too. He ignored the feeling as best he could but it gnawed at him, ruining the perfect day he had had with his mother.

" _Way to go, Ben_." He scolded himself, careful not to let his inner loathing show as Leia approached him.

"Uh oh." The woman said in concern, her gaze on his shoulder. "That looks like a nasty sunburn." She reached down to examine it, Ben groaning from pain even with her extremely gentle touch.

"Yogurt?" He inquired, his disdain growing when she nodded.

"Yogurt."

"Fuck." He muttered so softly that she couldn't hear it; his mother berating him for swearing wasn't something he wanted to deal with right now.

They quietly headed in after cleaning majority of the equipment, the two automatically going into the kitchen, Ben removing his shirt while Leia grabbed plain yogurt. Without warning, she started spreading the dairy product on the burn, unable to hide a tiny smirk at the tiny shriek the teen let out.

Ben had to bite his tongue to stop himself from shouting every profanity he knew at his mother as she spread the cold goop while also resisting the desire to rip his shoulder off. The yogurt had been an ingenious way to get rid of sunburn but he hated her for discovering it in her last tour to the Middle East five years ago; he wished he knew who the solider was that told her so he could shoot him.

"Done." She beamed after a minute.

"There's got to be a less painful way to do this." Ben complained as he stood up, ignoring the sad whine of Chewie as a potential food source went out of his reach. Leia shrugged and put the container away.

"It's the best way and the cheapest way I know." Ben gave her the most miserable look he could muster as his shoulder continued to tingle with pain. Inside, it made her giggle. "Don't look at me like that. You're a big boy; you can handle a tiny bit of pain for a few minutes." Ben was going to retort but was distracted by the sound of the back door opening. The dog ran off and barked happily as Han boisterously greeted the welcoming committee. "Hit the deck." Leia joked, mother and son sharing a tiny laugh. Seconds later, Han entered the kitchen with a smile on his face.

"Shouldn't you be at work, kid?" He asked, absentmindedly starting to stroke Chewie's head after dumping his lunch kit on the counter. Ben shrugged.

"Called in sick." The elder man chuckled.

"I thought you might, considering how wasted you were last night."

"That bad?" Han nodded.

"Hard time standing, constantly singing 'I'm a little teapot' and swearing like a sailor. I was surprised you managed to put on your own pajamas." The elder man laughed as Ben looked down from embarrassment.

"At least I could amuse you." He snapped in response.

“Take it as a lesson learned.”

“Noted.” Not wanting to continue the conversation with his father, Ben turned his attention to his shoulder, which was still tingling but not with the same intensity, “Can I take this off now?” Leia stepped forward and took a quick peek.

“Yes.” She answered. Ben immediately went to the bathroom to wash the yogurt off, letting out a large sigh of relief as the tingling ceased. The skin was still red but not the blazing shade it had been only minutes ago. Once cleaned, he went to his room to grab a clean, non-sweat infused t-shirt. He wasn’t in the mood to head downstairs so he crashed back onto his bed, deciding he’d play some Assassin’s Creed before heading down for dinner.

“Ben!” Leia called after about an hour. The teen paused the game and headed to the door.

“Yeah?” He shouted in reply.

“I’m making chicken parmesan! Care to help?” Ben immediately dashed downstairs; how could he say no to a little family tradition like that? His mother always prepared the chicken, he always took care of the sauce and his father always did the spaghetti (the full extent of his cooking abilities). To do it any other way seemed impossible.

Ben made the sauce with ease and in record time, not that it surprised him; he had once boasted to his cousin that he could do it with his eyes closed. Though his mother technically didn’t need him after it was done, he decided to remain in the kitchen to watch her finish up the masterpiece. He loved moments like these. No worries about life outside the sanctuary of the house. Just all the warmth and love of a home and family.

The dish was perfect, as usual, and the three of them ate it happily, regaling each other with stories of the day or funny incidents of the past while Chewie switch sitting between Han and Ben and occasionally begged for a piece of chicken. Everything was so perfect that Ben completely forgot about Snoke for the rest of the evening.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of new characters in this chapter!

“I will finish my sermon with a small passage from the Gospel of Mark: _And one of the scribes came, and having heard them reasoning together, and perceiving that he had answered them well, asked him, Which is the first commandment of all? And Jesus answered him, The first of all the commandments is, Hear, O Israel; The Lord our God is one Lord: And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these._ ” The pastor stepped away from the pedestal and looked upon the congress. “This is the center of our faith and what God wishes of us. With this new ruling of the government, I want you to remember to love yourselves and others, regardless of the differences between us. God loves everyone; he has no preferences. He loves every ethnicity, every race, every skin color, every gender, and every orientation.”

As the preacher continued to speak about the importance of love and acceptance, Ben felt a sense of hope growing in him. A hope that maybe, his family could accept him for all he is. A quick glance at his cousin, his parents, and his grandfather validated the feeling more as they listened intently with soft smiles on their faces.

But what if they were faking it? Merely smiling as to not insult the pastor and then go on a bigoted rampage later when they were out of the sanctity of the church? He had seen and heard about many occasions where that happened somewhere on earth. They say one thing but then did the opposite.

A poke in his side brought him back to reality and he hastily stood up for the final hymn of the sermon. He spied the correct page from his cousin’s book but, considering there were two hymns printed, he awkwardly mumbled to the music, noting his cousin was smirking in his peripheral; no doubt she would have something to say to him in the atrium.

“You really shouldn’t daydream during sermons.” She stated once they were out of the sanctuary.

“I have a lot on my mind.” He replied sourly, eyeing his parents talking to his grandfather, his uncle nowhere in sight yet.

“About what?” She inquired.

“None of your business.” He snapped, walking away from their quiet corner as his uncle approached and embraced his mother.

“Beautiful sermon, Luke.” She praised.

“I had something beautiful to talk about. Ben!” Luke turned away from Leia when his nephew approached and they shared a hug. “Sermon wasn’t too boring for you, was it?” He teased lightly, smiling brightly when Ben shook his head. “Can’t have you falling asleep again.” Everyone laughed and Luke went off to talk to Han, Ben turning his attention to his grandfather.

“Hello, Young Ben.” The old man chuckled as the two embraced.

“Hello, Old Ben.” The teen replied. The elder man pulled away and turned to hug the female that joined them.

“Rey… I haven’t seen you for a time. How have you been?”

“I’ve been fine. Work was busy recently due to grad season but it should slow down now. How about you?”

“As well as an old man can be.” The three laughed at the commented.

“What happened this morning? I noticed you were a few minutes late.” Ben inquired.

“The bus I took had a slight malfunction along the way.” Old Ben explained, “It was nothing serious but it did cause a delay.”

“It could’ve been worse.” Young Ben reasoned.

“I’m glad to see you find optimism in even the worst misfortunes.” They laughed again; a bus malfunction wasn’t exactly the worst misfortune. “Anyway, would you two care to join me for some tea at the coffee shop? I know school doesn’t start for another hour.” The two teens immediately nodded and Rey promptly went over to Luke to tell him where they were headed.

The coffee shop was on the street across from the church so there were there in a matter of minutes. They took the spot by the window and Rey offered to pay for today. Both Ben’s ordered tea, the younger one asking for a cinnamon bun to accompany his drink.

“Ben, what do you think of this new ruling from the government?” Young Ben inquired when Rey left. The elder man hummed as he thought about the question.

“I think it’s a wonderful step into the right direction.” He answered, the feeling of hope resurfacing for the teen. “Canada is a country with a reputation of polite people and of being accepting and tolerant to different cultures, religions and ethnicities. Now, we can be that even more.”

“Not everyone is gonna be happy about it.”

“Of course but that’s the way the universe works. There’s as opposite to everything in life. Where there’s love, there will be hate and where there’s tolerance, there will be intolerance. They are always fighting for the upper hand and the good doesn’t always triumph. But now, love has won and that needs to be accepted.” Rey came back with their ordered items and the old man took a sip of his Earl Grey. “I was talking to your uncle yesterday about the decision and he was incredibly excited about it; even happily piped about all the people he’ll get to marry now.”

“My dad said that?” Rey inquired.

“Like a child who just found out he’s going to Disney for a week.” They laughed at the comparison.

“What do you think, Rey?” The woman took a sip of her own drink before answering.

“I think it’s pretty good. I mean, people always boast how we’re all about equality and all that jazz but it’s not really equality if a certain group of people are denied the right to marry the one they love.”

“Amen to that.”

“To equality.” Young Ben proposed, lifting his cup as if to propose a toast. The woman and the other man lifted their cups too and the three took a quiet sip.

The hour rolled back quickly for the three and too soon, the two teens had to return to the church for school. Unsurprisingly, the session today was about the same topic as the sermon. They talked about the decision and if it was at odds with their faith. It wasn’t, they decided but one student in particular was stubborn in accepting that fact and was scolded by Luke for using the word “faggot” in his angry tirade. Peace was eventually made.

An hour later, school was done and everyone trickled out of the room. Rey waited patiently for her cousin but he waved her off.

“You go ahead.” She seemed confused at first but she nodded and left. Ben turned back to Luke who had his back to him and was cleaning up the room. "Uncle.” Ben called, the man turning his attention. “Can I talk to you for a second?" The old man seemed concerned for a moment but nodded.

"Of course." He led Ben back to the sanctuary and sat down in one of the pews. "What's troubling you, Ben?" The teen sighed, staring down at his hands while he tried to figure out which words would be best to communicate his feelings and tell his secret without sounding awkward. His uncle waited patiently.

"I've been having some... trouble with a friend of mine." He began, changing the original topic he wanted to talk about so desperately.

"What sort of trouble?" Luke inquired.

"He... He's not taking into consideration the other things going on in my life." He paused, biting his lip in a moment of hesitation before pulling forth his phone and opening his messages. "He messaged me yesterday, asking me to come to a party and he acted as though he forgot I had church, Sunday school and work today." Luke carefully took the mobile device and read the messages, a frown appearing on his face though Ben knew it was for the swearing. Once he finished reading, he shut the phone and handed it back to its owner.

"He seems to be quite the controlling fellow. Have you ever tried talking to him about it?" Ben tried to recount a time where he and Snoke had sat down and talked about something so personal but no such time came to mind, not surprisingly; it was always about Snoke's feelings, his emotions that were more important. Ben shook his head. "Try talking to him then. If he is a good and genuine friend, he will listen and change his ways."

"And if he doesn't?"

"I'm afraid the only thing to do then is casting him out of your life. All too often I hear stories of toxic relationships between couples but people rarely speak about toxic friendships. If this friend is toxic, he needs to go."

"Snoke is not toxic, uncle!" Ben snapped, rising from the pew in anger. "He's my friend; he wouldn't do stupid shit like that to me!"

"Benjamin, language!" Luke snapped back. "I hope that what you say isn't true and that your friend is a good one. But if he isn't, he needs to leave your life. The truth can be hard but it's better to know the truth than live your life forever under the control of another person and in pain. I don't want to see you hurt, Ben, and neither do your parents or you cousin."

"Yeah right." And Ben ran out, ignoring the calls of the elder man.

Snoke wasn't toxic, he couldn't be. He had been his friend since... since forever. He became his friend when everyone would either avoid him like a disease or shout and hit and spit at him like the face of their most hated person taped to a pillow. He came to him when no one cared, when his uncle did nothing, his cousin enjoyed her school, and his mother and father were away, out of the province or out of the country.

He was his friend.

Ben continued running until he was home, ignoring his parents' greeting and immediately dashing for his room, slamming the door shut. As he searched for his uniform, he heard the telephone ring and he knew all too well who the caller was. When everything was gathered, he stealthily headed downstairs, purposely avoiding the kitchen and quietly headed out the side door, grabbing his bike and paddling as fast as he could to his work.

His shift wouldn't start for another two hours so he decided to waste some time looking around the store, spending most of the time scouring through the tiny book section and clothing section. He spotted a nice Star Wars t-shirt but unfortunately none were large enough for his long torso. Well, long enough without making him look scrawny. He purposely avoided looking at his phone, figuring it would be exploding with messages from his mother and uncle about where he was, what he was doing and wanting to talk to him when he got home.

The day didn't get much better when his shift finally began. Ben found it baffling how many idiots he always got at his till; it was almost as if he had an "come to this aisle if you have an idiotic request or something idiotic to say or do or are a general asshole" sign taped to the till number and the idiots were actually smart enough to be able to read and understand it. At least the bagger was bearable enough. A fifteen year old girl who could talk about anything forever and was always overly happy and bubbly. In normal circumstances, it would've driven him crazy but being stuck in his little prison for a few hours, it actually kept him sane, especially when an idiot insisted on using a coupon that a) was expired and b) didn't even belong to the store.

"You always get the interesting ones don't you?" The person in charge of customer service commented when the store was finally closed and Ben was about to clock out of work.

"If by 'interesting' you mean fucking idiots who can't tell left from right, then yes." He replied sourly as he wiped his card and the machine beeped to let him know that he was signed out for the night.

"Not everyone can be an Einstein."

"But apparently everyone at my till has the brain capacity of a peanut." The person at the counter laughed and bid Ben good night as he carried the till away to count it. Ben headed upstairs to his locker to get his items and then go home. He dared a peek at his phone, finding only one message from his mother. A statement saying she wanted to talk to him when he got home. He didn’t sense any concern in her words

He got onto his bike a little slower and paddled at the same pace. Inevitably, he made it home and he stored his bike in the garage, an uneasy feeling in his stomach when he noticed the Falcon and his mother’s car were both in. He walked in, vaguely greeting Chewie and headed into the kitchen, figuring he’d find his mother there. The kitchen was abandoned, still messy from his parent’s evening meal. He spotted a sticky note on the table, which he knew was from his mother.

_There was a problem on the base. We’ll talk tomorrow_

The note crumbled in his fist and he left the kitchen, ignoring his sleeping father in the living room. He ran upstairs and hopped into a well-deserved shower. After cleaning himself up and preparing or the night, he crawled into bed with his heart aching a little. He hadn’t revealed his secret, something he was dying to tell someone but his fear stopped him and instead had talked about his secret feelings in regards to a friendship to which his uncle cruelly suggested he should get rid of. Then his mother wanted to speak to him about that fiasco and then wandered off to her work as if that held a greater priority to her.

Great family.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really quick chappie this time

“And then I get a text from her this morning sayin’: _I won’t be home tonight. We’ll talk when I get back. I promise_. I mean, really? Your job takes priority over an issue with your only kid? Great parenting!” Kylo took a drink of his lemonade liqueur out of frustration; it did little to soothe the raging beast inside.

“Ky, your ma is a general in the army.” Jakara reasoned, “She’s a busy lady.”

“Not good enough for my books.” He let out a grunt and let himself drop to the grass, fixing his gaze to the starry sky.

“What about your dad? He’s home right?” She inquired, joining him in lying down.

“He’s gone.” Kylo answered, “Off making a delivery to Halifax; he’ll be gone for a few weeks. He wouldn’t be any help anyway. Most he’d do is give some dumb ass remark which is more likely going to make me feel uncertain than anything else.” He lazily covered his face with his arms and let out a moan. “I’ve got the worst parents ever.”

“You got your uncle at least.”

“He’s about as useful as a Band-Aid to a bullet wound. Fuckin’ bible hugger can preach about love and acceptance all he wants; as soon as it involves me, it turns into the exact opposite.” He took a quick drink, nearly spilling it all on his face. “Just watch, the instant he finds out I’m gay as a fucking stick, he’ll be hurlin’ my ass into the first conversion therapy place he can find.”

“Is conversion therapy even legal here?” They looked up and spotted Dalharil standing by the door, playing with her nose piercing. Kylo sighed and sat up.

“No clue but he’d sent me south if it wasn’t.”

“He’d literally sent you into the States to go to some fucked up program that’s supposed to turn you ‘straight’ but is actually more likely to give you the lovely side effects of depression, anxiety, increased suicide rate, and inability to touch males without screaming in pain if he found out you like fucking boys?”

“Yep.” He stated bluntly, finishing up his lemonade while the girls looked on in awe.

“Hypocritical much.”

“He’s always been hypocritical.” Kylo replied while rising from the grass, “Not just him. My parents too but you already know that sob story.” Many promises to call when they were gone but promises left unfulfilled.

“Ah suck it up Kylo.” Snoke said as he entered the garden, carrying a new drink in hand for Kylo. As the man accepted it and took a sip, the leader continued, “There’s plenty of people who have it a lot worse than you. Me, per example, I don’t even have parents. Fucking assholes tossed me at the first dump they could find so they could go back to screwing each other. You don’t have it half as bad as I do. Now, drink up; you got some catching up to do for the last party you didn’t go to.” Kylo quickly took a sip but when the cup was down, he noticed Snoke was staring at his neck, or rather at the silver cross he was wearing, which had slipped up from under his hoodie when lying in the grass. He quickly put it back under the fabric, not needing to hear Snoke’s words to know that he didn’t want to see it. The leader merely shook his head with an exaggerated sigh of utmost disappointment and walked back into the house, leaving Kylo with a degree of shame in him. For a moment, the words of his uncle wormed its way back into his mind but he quickly dismissed it, hating how the feelings of uncertainty didn’t go away with it.

He chugged the drink in his hand and quickly proceeded to the table where the drinks were kept, not noticing the two females joining him there. He grabbed an open bottle of Captain Morgan and chugged whatever was left in it before grabbing a different bottle of rum and filling his cup up with it and adding coke to it too; that cup was finished quickly too.

“Don’t you work tomorrow?” Jakara inquired as he filled up again. Kylo shook his head.

“I don’t care.” He replied, rapidly downing his drink, feeling all his sorrows wash away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the kudos and comments so far; I really appreciate it


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I decided to silly and add some details of my heritage into the mix of the story. Naturally, I pick bits of said heritage that I don't know much about. Thankfully, what little is used and will be used is mostly terms of affection so it shouldn't be too difficult to figure out. I speak Dutch, just not Twents (which is a regional language/dialect from the northeast and I'm from the west of the country)

Being home alone had its perks. Do whatever you wanted whenever you wanted; you could binge watch Lord of the Rings at max volume with popcorn and ice cream for dinner and nothing would be said about it. The downside, as Ben discovered when he woke up the morning after the party, was no one to call his work and call him in sick.

“I’m never drinking again.” He told himself as his alarm clock wailed loudly, making his head pound. He slammed the off button hard and sloppily enough that the clock fell to the ground, not that he cared as he rubbed his tired eyes. After giving himself a minute for consciousness to spread throughout his body, he pulled himself out of bed, instantly sitting back down due to the immense pressure and pain he felt in his head. “Fuck.” He reached over to the little table beside his bed and chugged the entirety of the water bottle he had put there the night before. It alleviated some of the pain; not by much but enough for him to be able to stand and move downstairs. “This is going to be a nightmare.”

He knew he shouldn’t head to an eight hour shift without eating but the thought of breakfast made his stomach churn and he’d rather deal with an empty stomach than with throwing it all up while at his till. He slowly gathered his uniform and packed a light lunch at the same pace. Before heading off, he checked his phone. No messages; his mother likely wouldn’t be home that night.

As usual, there were too many customers. What’s worse was he was put in the express lane so he had to deal with idiots who couldn’t read a sign and brought more than 12 items. Forced to abide with the store’s customer service policy, the only thing he could do about it that was allowed was to politely remind those people to not bring 12 items to this particular lane; what he really wanted to do was shove a dictionary in their face and personally drag them out of the line until they learned what “12 items or less” meant. Unfortunately, it was only something he could do in his mind.

The count today was higher than usual. A grand total of 10 about 80% into his shift; 10 people who were blinder than Andrea Bocelli. It was a small mercy that they apologized for their idiotic mistake but Ben hated them nonetheless. On the exterior, he was smiling though he was ready to explode when the 11th person came. It was near the end of his shift, he was tired, he was hungry and thirsty and he still had a headache; he did not want to deal with this idiot! Still, he smiled and scanned the items.

“Just so you’re aware, this is the express lane; we reserve this line up for people with 12 items or less.”

“Well, I didn’t know.” The customer snapped, glaring at Ben. The teen pointed up at one of the two signs.

“We have signs to let people know.”

“Well, I’m American.” The man said in an extremely condescending tone.

“Wow,” Ben replied, “The education system must be really bad down there if you can’t even read a simple sign.” He knew he could get into trouble if the customer complained but the flustered look on the man’s face and the giggle from the person behind him made it so worth it.

“I thought Canadians were supposed to be nice.” The man stuttered. Ben handed the man his bags of groceries.

“No, we’re supposed to be polite. Have a nice day!” The teen said in the most cheerful tone he could muster, the man leaving with a red face. Ben felt extremely proud for what he said and the following customer even gave him a high-five for it. Better yet, no complaints at the end of the shift; the customer must’ve been too flustered or embarrassed.

He finished his shift still beaming with pride and his large smile never wavered from his face as he changed and retrieved his bike. On the way home, he planned out the rest of his night: shower, play video games for a little while, make dinner – pasta sounded nice – and watch more movies. He wasn’t sure which movie he wanted to watch because he liked so many. Maybe he’d watch _Forrest Gump_ ; he hadn’t seen that in a while. That or the movies of _Harry Potter_ (the three that were out)… Or _Phantom of the Opera_. So many choices; he could figure that out later tonight.

He made it home in record time but his elation dwindled slightly when he saw one of the two car spots was now vacated; his mother was home. He checked his phone but oddly found no messages.

“ _Mo_?” He called out but he got no reply. He first searched the kitchen before heading into the living room, finding his mother fast asleep on the couch. He watched her peaceful face for some time before heading upstairs; there went his peaceful night.

He showered quickly and put on a fresh set of pajama pants and shirt before heading back downstairs; slightly grateful the women was still asleep. As quietly as possible, he went to the kitchen, filled up the kettle with water with enough for two cups and then turned to cleaning the dishes while it warmed up. He tried to make as little noise as possible but the dishes clanged loudly together. Even so, the noise distracted him from his surroundings. That’s why he let out a sound of fright when his mother suddenly appeared, her face etched with traces of sleepiness.

“You scared me.”

“Sorry.” Leia said with a soft smile, coming to her son to embrace him, thankful he bent down a little. “And I’m sorry that I was gone for so long. I really thought that they would only need me for a day but then more pro-“

“ _Mo_. It’s fine.” A small lie.

“Okay.” She released him from the embrace but grabbed his hand. “And now, we can finally talk.”

“About what?”

“About Sunday.” She clarified, releasing his hand in order to sit down at the table. “Luke called me about what happened and I wanted to make sure you were alright.”

“Yeah.” Ben replied quickly, grabbing two teacups and filling them with the steaming water. “I’m fine. It’s all taken care of.”

“Really? How did that go?”

“He was cool with everything.” He lied, watching the water take on a greenish-brown color as it was doused in peppermint flavor. “And it’s all sorted out.”

“That’s great, Ben.’ Leia cooed, her voice dripping with relief. She took the cup when her son placed it in front of her but didn’t take a sip right away. She first leaned over to place a kiss on his left temple. After she took the first sip, she inquired, “Do you want to practice your reading tonight?” Ben shook his head.

“I did some last night but I do need some words translated.”

“Let’s me see then.” Ben sped off and a few seconds later he came running back with a book in his hands. He opened it to the marked page and pointed towards the first highlighted word.

“ _Siste_? That means ‘hissed’” Leia explained.

“Okay.” He muttered, rereading the sentence, which made perfect sense to him now. “And this one?” He pointed towards _ledematen_

“Limbs.”

“Limbs?” Leia nodded to confirm. He read the sentence, “Guy lost his limbs; not surprising, considering his job. Kinda wonder which he has left.” Leia leaned over and read the part.

“It doesn’t specify so that’s up to you to decide. Any others?” He turned to the other page and pointed to the third word: _galmde_

“Reverberated or echoed. And that last one – _zuiveren_ – means to clean but often it means to purify too.”

“Okay.” He read the paragraph again, “Okay.”

“Everything make sense now?”

“Yeah…” He took back the book, staring at the page for no apparent reason before closing it and sliding it to the side. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“You’d think that, because I know Twents, learning Dutch would be so much easier.” Leia chuckled and took another sip of her tea.

“You do know that Twents is not considered a dialect of Dutch, right?”

“Well, yeah but it’s spoken in the Netherlands; you’d think there’d be more similarities.”

“You know, I thought the exact same thing when your _grotmo_ started teaching me to speak it.”

“Really?” Ben was immediately intrigued; they never spoke much of his grandmother. Leia nodded.

“Yes. I didn’t see any reason to learn it because, as you know, if we ever visited the country, we always remained in Twente and never went outside the region. I’m certain my mother knew my desire to see more of the country because she nearly forced me to learn it and I’m glad she did. Not only so I could communicate with people but also allow me to have a connection with the country we came from; languages are powerful that way.” She leaned closer, “And you can amaze many people by saying you can speak three languages.” The two shared a laugh and took a drink from their cooled down drinks.

“In this country, people are already impressed if you speak two languages.”

“Never mind the official bilingual status.” Ben chuckled and shook his head, taking another drink. They sat silently for a moment, the two quietly drinking their tea and nibbling on a stroopwafel. “Do you want to watch a movie tonight? We can make pizza if you want.”

“Actually, I had some other things I wanted to do tonight.” Ben replied slowly, able to see his mother’s disappointment in the subtle fall of her expression, giving the teen a small sense of guilt. The woman nodded.

“Alright but you still want pizza, right?”

“ _Mo_ , why would I say no to pizza?” Leia laughed and took Ben’s empty teacup and brought it over to the sink alongside hers. She shrugged.

“I don’t know. Maybe you decided to turn into a health nut.”

“Never!” The two laughed at the overly dramatic answer.

Making the pizza was fun. Normally they would’ve made their own crusts but the need to fill their bellies with their custom dish outweighed the desire to make everything custom; besides, pre-made crusts weren’t all that bad. Leia made her pizza with salami, green peppers and mushrooms while Ben did salami, bacon, onion and red peppers. They shared a bite from each other’s pizza and both managed to eat the entire dish.

While his mother did the dishes, Ben snuck upstairs, immediately questioning what he should do with whatever time he had left until he decided to go to bed. Looking around, he decided that there was only two things he could do in his room: clean or play video games. He chose the latter.

He found that playing the games only passed the time for him rather than bring enjoyment. By the time he was playing his third game, he was just as bored as he had been during the first two. He wondered if maybe he should’ve taken up his mother’s offer of watching a movie with her; it was a thought he quickly dismissed.

_They invite you to do shit to give you the false sense of loving and caring about you but as soon as you actually have a problem, they don’t give a shit_ as Snoke had put; he could trust him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the kudos and comments! I love all of them so much!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was hoping to update something else but considering this is the only thing finished in my documents, I decided to update this. I have a little tradition where I always, always update on my birthday. And this is me doing the tradition this year.
> 
> Not the most exciting chapter in the story but I can't complain. Kinda proud that I wrote it without spoken dialogue (just thoughts)

When does life turn into a routine? When does it become a cycle that keeps going so strongly that it seemed as though only Death can stop it? Birth, childhood, teenage years, adulthood... When? Or were they all routines that switched slightly according to one's age and that simply weren't realized until a time of more awareness? Ben didn't know when it became a routine but he knew his routine: wake up, eat, work, eat, sleep, repeat. It was different some days but the consistency that was routine was always there and he hated it. He hated his routine; it made him feel as though he was a monotonous robot, only able to feel humanity when he was out drinking with Snoke but even that was a routine. Drink, nod, dance, drink until drunk. That routine was better that the other but it was still a routine and thus, he hated it. He wanted to break both, leave the city, explore the rest of the country, maybe go to the Netherlands on his own.

Wouldn't that be something? Amsterdam, Utrecht, Den Haag, Enschede, all on his own. A terrifying thought but exhilarating as well. He could do it. He had the money, he spoke the language decently and he knew enough people there to not be reliant on hotels 24/7. Snoke would be so jealous if he went; he had never even been outside of the province. He'd be demanding pictures every day and merchandise from everything. Either that or jokingly imply he should buy an extra ticket for him and that they would go together; Ben didn't like that idea. Snoke would only want to be in Amsterdam, go to the coffee shops, visit the shady back streets of the city and at night, pay for a woman in the Red Light District. He wouldn't do anything or go anywhere Ben wanted to.

Snoke didn’t need to know if he went to Europe, Ben would reason with himself; he wasn’t his father. Then why did he feel such an obligation to tell him? Why did the notion of not telling him scare him more than the thought of being fired? Snoke was his friend; he shouldn’t be this scared to tell him something so insignificant.

The loud honk of a car snapped him out of his pondering and he looked around in a slight haze to familiarize himself with his surroundings. He was in the car with his mother, leaving from a trip to the grocery store Leia had practically had to drag him to. They were on their way home now, where they would unload everything, put it all in its designated spot and then head over to Rey and Luke’s house; he was not looking forward to that.

Once a week, the entire family would come to Luke’s house for some time and have tea and pie. Ben used to enjoy going – it was a nice family time and bore none of the restrictions that the atrium of the church posed – but recently, every time he had gone, the enjoyment disappeared a little more. To the teen, the visits were becoming fake and a chore and something that was only being done for the sake of routine and tradition rather than familial love. It was becoming forced; the mandatory questions were asked, the same conversations were spoken, the same dull laughter echoing. It was becoming an act. With those observations in mind, Ben started opting for sitting quietly, secretly hoping that his family would just ignore his existence for the coming two hours.

To his annoyance, Old Ben and Rey asked him several questions to try to engage him in the dull conversation they were having, the short answers he gave in response obviously not enough for them to catch the hint he wasn’t feeling social today.

Only an hour into the visit and Ben was ready to pull his hair out. He was bored beyond explanation and all he wanted was to go home and shut himself in his room and do something (anything!) more exciting than this; his videogames were better company than this. Snoke was better company than this.

_He would be,_ Ben thought with bile gathering in his throat. _He would be._ They would talk, have a drink… Correction: Snoke would talk, Ben would listen and they’d have a _lot_ of drinks. He’d just talk about himself, his girlfriend, all the illegal things he had done… Maybe he wouldn’t be that great of company…

_No_ , Ben thought sternly, his mind free to think as soon as he was freed from the dreary environment that was the family visit. _Snoke’s not that bad; sure he’s done some things here and there but he cares about me and my_ _wellbeing. He’s right about things._

His uncle wasn’t right about God, about Snoke, about life, about anything! Snoke was good; his family was bad. His family didn’t care about him, not like Snoke did. Snoke was the only one who understood him, who accepted him, who would listen to him, even if it was always with half an ear. Snoke was the one who believed in him.

Snoke was better than his entire family combined. He was better so much better…

He needed a drink now…


	7. Chapter 7

" _Someone kill me please_." Ben thought sourly as the idiot in front of him started to berate him over the fact that he wouldn't give him a discount for an item he thought was too espensive. " _Yes please tell me how to do my job. Yes, I totally am in control of all the prices in the store._ He resisted the urge to roll his eyes at the person when they demanded that he call his manager. He made the call and the manager soon popped up, who told the customer the exact same as Ben had just told them. Finally, after 20 minutes of arguing and screaming, the customer left under threat of being banned when they began threatening.

"You always get the interesting ones, don't you?" The manager snapped, scorn in his voice.

"Must have some kind of magnet on me." Ben replied monotonously, really wanting to grab the little canister in his apron and take a drink from it; he really needed the alcohol after dealing with that customer. The manager merely scoffed and rolled his eyes before leaving; definitely needed two drinks now.

When he finally got the chance to go on break, he was pissed to find his little canister was already empty. There was no way he'd be able to get through the rest of his shift without any alcohol in him. He decided to text Jakara.

_Hey J._

_Hey Ky. What's up?_

_Stuck at the dump known as work._

_Sorry. Any problematic people?_

_Always. I'm like a fucking magnet for these people. Alcohol is the only thing keeping me going at this point. Mind dropping by and giving me some more? In one of those little canisters; mine's empty._

_You already finished it? What the fuck happened that you finished it that quick?_

_Customers that make me want to pull out my hair._

_Obviously. Right I'll be around soon. Gotta figure out a way to keep that canister hidden; don't want you to get in trouble._

_At this point, breathing could get me into trouble. My manager hates me that much. Fucker._

_See you soon, you big baby._

Ben put his phone away and merely stared ahead of him. His break wouldn't be over for a little while, he had eaten his food and there was nothing to do now. This was the moment he had hoped he would indulge in the alcohol he had brought.

“Stupid customers.” He muttered, starting to fiddle around with his fingers to keep them from shaking from the need for booze.

Lucky for him, Jakara showed up only 20 minutes later and, using almost ninja-like tactics, managed to sneak Ben a small flash of drink while at his till. Though desperately wanting to, he couldn’t drink from it; as much as he hated his job, he didn’t want to deal with losing it, considering how difficult it was for him to secure it in the first place. He would have to gather whatever patience he had and try to remain sane until the end of his shift.

Unsurprisingly, the second half went by agonizingly slow; it was almost as if his brain decided to be an asshole and make the time pass at half its normal rate. The constant checking of the clock didn’t help either. When it was over at last, he ran upstairs and, once out of sight, downed all the contents of the second flask in one chug, sighing in relief like a long lasting itch had finally gotten a good scratch.

After a waiting a minute for the brief buzz of the alcohol to die down, he changed from his uniform and began heading home. He wanted to make a quick stop at a liquor store that was on route to his house but then he remembered he didn’t have any valid ID on him and forced himself to continue on his way, continually scolding himself for forgetting something so vital.

“Hello?” He called out when he reached his destination. “Hello?” But strangely there was still no answer. He was certain his parents were home as both cars were in the garage. Upon hearing the TV was on, he headed into the living room and found his father, the elder man’s focus all on the football game. “Where’s _Mo_?” Ben tried to ask but the occurrence of something in the game meant his question went unnoticed. Rolling his eyes, he dashed upstairs, hearing the dog run behind him. He slammed the door shut when they were both in his bedroom and the teen listened for a moment to see if maybe, just maybe, the slamming the door had roused some of the attention of one of his parents.

Nothing.

With a sigh and feelings of resentment, he dropped himself on his bed lazily, not moving a muscle when he felt the dog climb up.

“Chewie.” He whined softly, pushing the dog away from his face; he didn’t try to push him away when the animal returned. “You big hairball.” He started scratching behind his ear, smiling when the dog all but crashed next to him from pure ecstasy. “Why are you easier to get along with than my parents? You like me no matter what and you always greet me right when I enter the house.” Ben let out a sigh, stopping with the scratching at the same moment, noting the dog immediately beginning to whine, “I think you might be the only family that loves m- Chewie! Stop!” He shouted when the animal started dabbing his tongue all over his face. The animal barked happily and continued to assault Ben’s face with slobbery kisses despite the continued protest.

“Stop!” The teen laughed, pushing the dog’s face away further so he could sit up and stop the attack on his face. “Old mutt; sometimes I’m certain you’re still a pup.” The dog licked the crease between his jaw and neck a few more times before laying his head down on the human’s lap, letting out a happy sounds when he began scratching behind his ear once more. “Silly old dog.”

Some time passed quietly but the peaceful silence was eventually broken by Ben’s sigh and subsequent rising to his feet.

“I need a drink. Stay here, buddy.” He left the room, surprised that the dog listened and remained on the bed, thought it was probably because he was tired and not in the mood to make the journey to the basement.

The journey to the basement was fruitless as the small stack of alcoholic beverages consisted only of various brands of beer. The only non-beer thing to be found was Advocaat and that wasn’t something that one would drink as a casual drink or shot. Pissed off and his craving screaming, he headed up to the kitchen, grateful to see his parents busy in the backyard. A feeling of excitement hit him hard when he saw there was wine in the fridge. White wine, 1/4th empty. With no hesitance, Ben grabbed the bottle and returned to his room, taking a large chug from it on the way there. He wasn’t overly fond of it but considering his craving and the stock available, it was the best he could have. Besides, if it quenched his cravings, why should it matter how bad it tasted?


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. The motivation to write this story hit an all-time low. I guess I got my hopes up a little too high for this story. I considered stopping at one point but I've decided to at least reach 11 (due to already writing large sections of that chapter and it being a chapter where something big happens) before I decide whether or not to continue.
> 
> In regards to updates, as school starts again on September 1 for me, I can't promise I'll update frequently. I love to write but school does take priority for me.
> 
> Anyway, enough of that bollocks. Enjoy.

“ _We’re devils and black sheep, really bad eggs! Drink up me ‘earties, yo ho! Yo ho! Yo ho! A pirates’ life for me!”_

“I love this song!” Kylo shouted boisterously, holding his near empty bottle of Captain Morgan high in celebration. He and Jakara intertwined arms and twirled around, going faster and faster, until he pulled away. “Really bad eggs!” He tried to remain standing but the twirling and the insane amount of alcohol he had consumed at that point had decreased the ability to stand significantly and he fell to the grass, his female companion joining him not long after. “When I get the Pearl back,” He slurred, moving his hands around wildly in a small attempt to imitate Johnny Depp, “I’m going to teach it to my crew and then we’ll sing it all the time!”

“And then you’ll be the most feared pirates in the Spanish Main!”

“Not just the Spanish Main, love. The entire ocean. The entire world!”

“You guys are such fucking nerds!” Snoke’s girlfriend, Keira, laughed.

“Hey, not my fault we’re having fun here!” Jakara snapped, standing up and offering a hand to Kylo, which he took.

“Nothing wrong for nerding out to Johnny Depp!” Kylo added.

“The guy’s not even a decent actor!”

“Shut up, Kelan! No one asked you!” Snoke shouted, everyone starting to laugh to the embarrassment of Kelan, Kylo and Jakara immediately falling back to the grass. After his ribs had stopped hurting, Kylo stumbled back up to his feet, nearly dropping back down again when he helped Jakara up, who laughed as he tumbled.

“You’re so fucking drunk.” She laughed, punching his shoulder.

“Well you know what they say, sweetheart: booze always tastes better when you can’t taste it anymore.”

“They don’t say that!”

“Well,” Kylo retorted, holding up his near empty bottle of rum, “It’s true, _lieverd_.” He brought the bottle to his lips and chugged the remaining content, throwing the bottle away and cheering with his friends when it landed with a loud splash in a nearby lake. “SCORE! Fuck yeah!”  He ran around and gave all his friends a high five, who responded by patting his back, but the only one who didn’t seem in the mood to slap Kylo’s hand was Tarken, who was staring at the opposite end of the lake, where the parking lot could be seen. “Tarken,” Kylo snapped, his hand still up, “stop being a little bitch and high five me. What the fuck are you looking at anyway?” He followed Tarken’s gaze and he gulped at the sight of the white car and the two people that emerged from it, the distant light revealing them to be police officers. “Oh shit…”

“You got that right. Snoke! Cops are coming!” Tarken shouted.

“Shit!” The leader responded while the rest scrambled around to get their stuff before running away, Snoke and Jakara having to hold onto Kylo to prevent him from falling over and getting caught. The three, along with Keira made a dash for the bushes and exited the park that way. Once out of the proximity of the park and away from the road, they stopped to catch their breath.

“Where are the others?” Jakara asked.

“They took a different route; I’m sure they’re fine.”

“I’ll whirl them a text later.” Snoke assured, “For now, I think it’s better we head home; I don’t fancy spending the night in a jail.”

“Agreed.” Kylo said, rising clumsily from his spot. “Fuck.”

“Come on, you big baby.” Jakara teased, grabbing his arm and starting to pull him in the direction of his house, giving Snoke and Keira a quick wave goodbye.

“I can walk fine by myself.” Kylo snapped, pulling his arm free, only to lose his balance once more, caught again by his friend.

“I can see that.” The male glared at her but he said nothing further, reaching into his pocket to drink from his little flask. “Jesus Christ on a bicycle! Haven’t you had enough?” She tried to grab the container but Kylo held it high above his head.

“I haven’t had that much!”

“Two cans of Palm Bay, several shots of straight vodka and a bottle of rum is not something I would count as not that much.” She snapped as she continued to reach, though she gave up not long after. Kylo quickly finished up the rest and stowed it away.

“I can handle it, J. Trust me.”

“Fine but don’t come whining to me when you’re dealing with a hangover.”

“Fine! I won’t!”

“Fine!” Their miniature hatred for each other quickly dissipated and they went down the road happily singing silly songs or asking idiotic questions. “Take it easy, big guy.” Jakara said to him when they entered the street where Kylo lived.

“You too, pipsqueak.” The male responded, smiling when she gave him an affectionate light punch on his shoulder. They went their separate ways, Kylo immediately tripping over something upon entering the garage of his home; so much for a quiet entrance.

Somehow, he managed to navigate through the dark house and he smirked at the mini victory of sneaking in without being caught as he headed up the stairs. Halfway up, a light turned on and he was greeted by the sight of his parents, both dressed in their pajamas and with an expression that was either anger or concern… maybe both. He honestly couldn’t tell.

“Do you have any idea how late it is?” Leia asked, ferocity in her voice; whatever smile the teen had was now gone.

“No.” He replied bluntly, taking another step up.

“Have you been drinking again?”

“What’s it to you?”

“Everything, Ben.” Han said, the statement causing anger to fill Ben.

“Oh, so now you care about what I do?” He snapped, heading to the top of the stairwell.

“What kind of question is that?” Leia interceded, “We’re family; we care about each other.”

“Sure.” Ben scoffed, “Tell that to the 176 calls and voicemails I made and left when you guys were off parading around on the other end of the goddamn country or the fucking country! Now get out of my way!”

“Benjamin, language!” His mother snapped and before he could snap in return, she continued. “You’re drunk and not thinking clearly!”

“Don’t fucking tell me if I’m thinking clearly or not if you can barely do that! You clearly aren’t thinking clearly if you think your job is more important to you than your only kid!”

“Ben, enough!” Han shouted, stepping in front of his son in order to prevent him from going further. “This isn’t you!”

“This is me, daddy-o! Get the fuck out of my way!” He tried to shove Han to the side but the elder man stayed firmly in his spot.

“This isn’t you. You drink like there’s no tomorrow and the only thing you seem to be these days is hungover. You're only ever at those parties, drinking and doing God knows what else!" Han ranted. "Half the time you don't even want to go! Don't try to deny it; I've seen the way you look and hold yourself when you leave. Snoke's controlling you! He's got you wrapped around his little finger to the point that you barely seem to have your own opinions!"

"SHUT UP!" Ben screamed, grabbing his father's shirt and yanking him away. However, with strength fueled by rage, Han wasn't just tossed to the side, like the teen had intended, but dragged further and released by the stairs, sending the elder man tumbling down to the first floor.

"HAN!" Leia screamed, flying down to check if her husband was alright, ignoring how her son appeared to be frozen in horror.

He had just wanted to move his father out of the way so he could run to his room and lock the door. He had had no intention of physically harming him. Oh how badly he had messed up now.

Snapping back to reality, he dashed down the stairs, trying to avoid looking at his parents and ran out of the house, out of the driveway and out of the street, not stopping until he was too dizzy and nauseous to keep going. He threw up in the nearest patch of grass and, when his stomach was empty, he sat down on the sidewalk to ponder what to do; he couldn't go home. No doubt his parents wouldn't even want to look at him. After some thorough thinking, he decided that he would go to Snoke's and crash on the couch there for a few days or at least until he could figure out what to do next. He normally would've texted him or done something to let Snoke know he was coming but, as it turned out, his cellphone had fallen out of his pocket during his mad dash and Ben didn't want to go get it, not with the risk of it being with his parents.

He walked for about thirty minutes to Snoke's house, cold and clammy down to a sudden burst of rain. He knocked several times but there was no answer; he was probably knocked out cold from the drinking that night. After trying for 15 more minutes, he turned around and headed back out into the dark. Jakara... He would try there.

Thankfully, her house wasn't very far away and he was there within ten minutes. He knocked and only seconds later, a light turned on.

"Ky? What are you doing here?" Jakara asked softly, no doubt trying to avoid waking the others in the house, seeing that she still lived with her family (Ben couldn't exactly remember with which member).

“I ran away.” Immediately, his friend stepped aside and let him in, ushering him to a bathroom to dry himself off while she ran around looking for extra blankets and dry clothing. When he was dry and had the oversized clothing on, he spotted Jakara speaking to another male but, too tired and dazed to care, he trudged over to the living room and sat down on his bed: a couch that was just barely long enough for him.

“I know it’s not much but it’ll have to do for a little bit.”

“Thanks.” He muttered, rubbing his forehead when he felt the oncoming of a headache. Seconds later, a glass was shoved in his hand, it filled with cloudy water.

“There’s some meds in there. All natural. It’ll help with the hangover.” Giving her a nod of thanks, he chugged the glass. “So… do you want to talk about it or…?”

“I want to sleep.” She seemed disappointed with his answer but she merely nodded and headed for the exit, not turning off the light until Ben was lying under the blanket and comfortable.

In the dark and alone, Ben’s mind wandered, it instantly going to the fiasco with his parents, which only made him angry and want to smash something but he was too tired to do that; plus, he couldn’t risk Jakara kicking him out. In an attempt to quench his desire to destroy something, he turned so all he could see was the dark and gritty back of the couch and began picking at the loose strings popping out.

He would sort everything out tomorrow when he wasn’t tired and half-dazed from the aftermath of a night of heavy drinking. It took an hour but he eventually closed his eyes and fell into an uneasy and short sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I was telling you guys that something big was going to happen in chapter 11 but, due to some replanning, this big event will happen in the next chapter. In the meantime, enjoy this one.

It took Ben a few days to adjust to waking up to the sight of Jakara’s living room rather than his own room. The first day he had woken up, he had been scared for an instant but the rapid return of memories of the previous night settled any remaining fears he had and replaced them with a sense of relief.

The planning of his new life didn’t start immediately, seeing that Jakara thought he still wasn’t mentally stable enough to do so without making a dumb mistake or two. After a couple days, when his anger had dissipated to a controllable amount, he began looking for apartments and a new job. His search for a new job proved to be much more successful than the search for an apartment; there were plenty of job openings and most had a pretty decent pay, though none were enough to pay for even the cheapest apartment he could find, which rented for about $850 a month. He figured he would probably need two jobs. Either that or get a roommate; he settled for the former choice.

With the chances of a new job being in his favor, Ben dropped by his work and quit in front of the manager, who only responded with “good riddance”. Instead of returning to Jakara’s place (which he ha originally intended to do), he decided to go walk, considering he didn’t have much else to do these days. He went through parks and neighborhoods and eventually landed himself in a small shopping district, the streets surprisingly quiet despite being a Sunday. He spotted a few people he knew from church as he window-shopped but thankfully none of them noticed him.

The cars zoomed past him but he barely heeded them, keeping his gaze either on the ground, the lit windows of the stores, or the occasional person he came across. As the sun began to slowly give way to night, the density of both cars and people dropped. It started getting a little cooler but Ben wasn’t in the mood to head back just yet. He heard a car behind him but it stopped just before it flew by him; he figured it as likely a person who was doing a last minute shopping trip at the few stores that were still open, his prediction further solidified by the sound of the car turning off and the door opening and slamming shut.

“Ben?” The teen immediately stopped in his track, cursing under his breath.

“What do you want?” He snapped.

“I want to you to get in the car.” Ben turned around and looked his cousin straight in the eye.

“And go where?”

“Home. Where else?” Rey responded, crossing her arms and her face conveying the message of ‘don’t argue with me, just get your butt in the car’.

“That’s the last place I’d belong.” Ben responded sourly.

“Who tells you that? Snoke? He doesn’t know anything.”

“And I suppose you know everything?!” He snapped, angered by the mention of his friend; why did everyone always have to bring him up in every conversation?

“I don’t but I certainly know more about your parents than he does.” Rey sighed, “Ben, please. Can you not be so stubborn for once in your life and just get in the car? Your parents have been worried sick about you.” Ben scoffed loudly.

“Wow.” He then proceeded to walk away, having had enough of this conversation.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Rey asked. “Has Snoke seriously convinced you that your parents don’t care about you!?” Ben stopped dead in his tracks and turned back to his cousin while his hands clenched into fists.

“My parents would rather have you as a daughter than have me as a son!” Ben shouted straight into her face, barely noticing how Rey took a step back in fear; he wasn’t even aware of the people that were stopping and watching them, readying to jump in if Ben was going to attack her. “They always loved you more than me! You were their image of a perfect child. Perfect grades, perfect work ethic, perfect job, perfect everything! But instead of getting something perfect, they got stuck with a clusterfuck like me!”

“Ben that’s not true!”

“Is it really? Is it, Rey!?” Ben snapped, fighting to stop the tears in his eyes. “If they wanted me as a son, then why did they ignore so many calls from me? Why didn’t they bat so much as an eye when I was being bullied? Why did Leia go to the base when it was obvious something was bothering me? That’s more than enough to show that they don’t give a crap about me. And I hate them for it! I hate them and I hate you just as much!” He grabbed his necklace and yanked it off of his neck, breaking the chain. He threw the cross at his cousin who just barely dodged the miniature missile. “I don’t want to see you or any of those dipshits ever again!” And he ran off, trying to ignore the sounds of Rey calling after him. Convinced she’d follow him, he dashed down random streets and tuned many corners before eventually dashing into an alleyway in which her truck would never fit in. He waited there for a few minutes but the near darkness and the severe lack of cars on the road was more than enough to convince him that it was save to come out.

He ran all the way back to Jakara’s house, wishing he could just punch something and punch it hard but he couldn’t run the risk of being kicked out. With a degree of self-control he didn’t know he had, he calmly went into the garden and lay down in the grass, pulling at the lush green strands. He eventually began cursing under his breath, which then grew into occasional shouting up towards the sky. The door to the garden opened.

“Ben?” Jakara asked.

“Fuck off.” He growled, not looking at her. He was surprised that she didn’t say anything and the next few minutes, all he heard was shuffling behind him and things being put on the grass.

“If you need to lash out at something, lash out at that.” Upon looking, Ben found that she had put a chopping block down and had a pile of large chunks of wood stacked up next to it. In her hand was the axe. “At least you’ll be doing something useful at the same time.” She held out the tool and waited patiently for him to take it.

“Do you read minds or something?” Ben asked as he got up and took the axe. The female smirked.

“No; I just know that you like to break shit when you’re angry.” With a boisterous shout of anger, Ben swung the axe and lodged it deep into the block.

“You’re not wrong there.” He pulled the axe out, “Hit me.” His friend nodded, a small smirk on her face, and placed a block of wood in front of him, quickly moving to a safe distance as Ben began hacking at the piece and shouting, unleashing all his anger. He kept hacking at the piece until it had been reduced to slivers and cubes and chips. When finally stopped and wasted a few seconds just screaming towards the sky, Jakara placed a new piece on the block. This process was repeated five times before Ben had let out all of his anger.

When the last block was destroyed, he dropped the axe and dropped to the grass, finally feeling the exhaustion caused by the exertion.

“That felt good.”

“You’ve got issues.” Jakara commented as she fell down beside him, staring at the mess Ben had made. “You gotta clean that up.”

“I know.” He groaned. “I’ll do it tomorrow.”

“Make sure you do.” Jakara responded, the male hearing some anger in her voice and barely reacting when she punched his shoulder, this punch anything but affectionate. He stayed in the grass until the mosquitoes were becoming too much. After heading into the dark house, he decided to go to his couch. As he tried to coax himself to sleep, he still felt angry. Angry towards Rey, his parents, his uncle, to everything from his life… His previous life. It was a new beginning, without all the people that had been holding him back, that didn’t care for him. He was free to do whatever he liked and pursue whatever he wanted.

For the first time in a long time, he fell asleep with a sense of hope and the feeling that his future was bright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much again for the comments and kudos!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back with a new chapter! Sorry this took so long. I wrote one version of this chapter but it turned out to be more brutal than I had originally anticipated so I changed some things around. Then I ended up rewriting it again and then changing stuff around once more (which is also the reason it's a shorter chapter; what would be originally in this would serve better as a separate chapter)
> 
> In addition to rewriting it, I didn’t have a lot of motivation, which changed after I got a very nice comment on the previous chapter.
> 
> Some warnings before we begin: forced drug usage and sexual assault.

The music beat loudly in his ears and the adrenalin from the wild and joyous dancing to it made Ben forget the woes of previous weeks and gave him a sense of ease and joy he had barely felt in that same time period. The various drinks he had had that night had made his conscious be less caring about actions that would be frowned upon by others and most certainly, by his family. He sang, he cursed, danced provocatively against strange men and he was certain he ended up in a heated make out session with one at some point; he honestly couldn’t remember.

His dirty dancing eventually shifted to include some ladies in his proximity. First strangers, then it was Jakara, who was still sensible to keep it brief, and lastly, it was Keira who danced against him. The two danced as close as Johnny and Baby from _Dirty Dancing_ , when they danced together for the very first time.

“I thought you were a good Christian boy.” She taunted, rolling against him with smirk. Ben wrapped his arm around her waist and dipped her.

“That little perfect boy is gone. Weak and foolish like the rest of his family, so I destroyed him.” He responded when he pulled her back up. The woman smirked and bit her lip seductively.

“Good. Nobody likes a good boy.” The two continued their raunchy dance, the female simply oozing a lust filled aura that the male remained oblivious too. He was also oblivious to her slowly guiding him towards a shadow filled corner, which they reached as soon as the song ended. As Ben let her go though, she slammed him against the wall and forcibly kissed him.

He was so shocked that he did nothing at first, standing frozen as she grinded against him and the crowd ignored them. Finally coming back to his senses, he pushed her off and ran away, ignoring her yelling after him. He dashed into the first private spot he could find: the bathroom.

Going to the sink, he splashed cold water in his face as he processed what happened. Keira had kissed him… She kissed him! Never mind that he wasn’t attracted to females and that she was in a relationship with Snoke… She kissed him… Why?

The door creaked open behind him.

“What do you want?” He nearly sneered, looking at the female’s reflection. Keira crossed her arms and began playing with the top button of her shirt.

“It’s rude to push a lady away.”

“It’s rude to forcibly kiss someone.” He turned around and faced her, taking a drink from the bottle in hopes of washing away the sense of disgust he still harbored. Keira laughed.

“Please, you enjoyed that.”

“It obviously hasn’t dawned on you yet that not every guy wants to kiss and fuck you.” The female pouted and made a whining sound, making her seem more like a spoiled child.

“That’s a pity.” She muttered, looking at the floor as she continued to play with the buttons, moving to the second one when the first was undone. “You are so much sexier than Snoke.” Ben rolled his eyes and headed towards the door but Keira moved to block his path. “Then again, I have my ways.” With a strength that surprised Ben, she shoved him to the other side of the small room, taking his drink away from him as he slumped against the wall and attempted to regain his bearing. She poured some white powder into the alcoholic beverage and forced the nozzle into his mouth, smirking slightly as she watched him take a small chug, still too dazed to fully think the action through.

Ben knew he had made a mistake as soon as he swallowed the drink. Immediately, he began to feel odd, disoriented. He attempted to sit up, the feeling evolving into a sense that he was out of his body. The urge to vomit was there as well but when he tried in the garbage bin, nothing came up. Besides, his worries soon changed as Keira approached him.

She had completely undone her buttoned up shirt, showing off her chest to him, and looked at him with an even more sultry look than she had previously had; truth be told, it scared him.

“I can take whatever I want,” She said to him, placing her hands on his hips, “and I want you.” He snapped back to his senses when she attempted to put her hands down his pants. He shoved her to the side and in those brief second, he ran for the door, yanking at the handle only to find it locked. Fear nearly overwhelming at this point, he fumbled at the lock, a tear falling from his eye when it didn’t turn quick enough.

A hard yank on his hair pulled him away from his only escape and down to the floor, landing painfully on his sight, a pain quickly forgotten as Keira climbed on top of him and wrapped her hands tight around his throat.

“You should’ve gone along with this.” She panted, “Then this would’ve been a lot less worse for you.”

“Sto-“ Was all he was able to utter before she yanked his hair up and then slammed his head down as hard as she could, the pain only felt for the second it took for him to succumb to the darkness.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the cliffhanger


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was hoping to have this finished and posted in the previous week but my teachers dumped three different assignment on me on the same day. So stress and a lack of time and sleep meant this had to wait. But I finally found some time to finish and post this. I hope you all enjoy it.  
> Warning: there is rape in this. It was originally going to be more graphic but I toned it down as much as I could. Another thing worth mentioning is some suicidal thoughts.

“My head…” Ben groaned when consciousness slowly began to return to him. The headache was pounding heavily against the front of his skull and his vision was extremely blurry so he opted to close his eyes for a little while longer. When the pain in his head had reduced to a level where he could somewhat ignore it, he opened his eyes.

It was near black, the only source of light peeking through the close blinds from the window to his left. It wasn’t much but it gave him some sense of the place he was in. The shapes of the black figures in front of him gave him the idea that he was in a forgotten storage room, imaging the figures to be boxes stacked on top of one another in a haphazard manner. There was other clutter too but they weren’t as easy to guess.

Wanting a better look, he tried to go to the window but was stopped by a harsh tug on his wrists. A small wriggle of his wrists informed him that his hands were bound together and that the remainder of the rope was tied to piece of furniture, keeping him in place as though he were an animal.

“What the hell?” He whispered. He attempted to loosen the rope by pulling at the knots with his teeth but whoever had done them had done them well as he couldn’t budge it the slightest. “Damn.” He looked back to the window, spotting the cord that could lift and drop the blinds. He couldn’t pull it with his hands. Maybe…

He got to work on undoing his shoes, a task made harder due to the headache ever present, it gradually worsening due to the after effects of the alcohol. Still, within a short period, he had his shoe and his sock off. Shuffling around and looking like an acrobat from an amateur circus act, he lifted his foot up, intertwined the cord in his toes and yanked. The blinds flew up and locked in place, filling the room with moonlight. 

His assumption about the room had been partially correct. It was a storage room but it looked to have been an office once due to the clutter filled desks that occupied the space. Now certain of his surroundings, he turned to the next questions

How had he ended up here? And why the hell was he tied up?

He thought hard to remember his last memory but it didn’t provide him any clarity as to what happened. He remembered dancing with Jakara and Keira… Keira kissing him and him rejecting her. After that, he couldn’t remember anymore, which immediately meant that the second question couldn’t be answered either.

“Think, Ben, think.” He said as he wiggled around his wrists once more. “Why would someone tie you up for no apparent reason? Abdu-“ Immediately, he was slapped with fear and a million scenarios. He had been abducted. It seemed impossible but considering where he had been and what had happened in his previous memory, he imagined he must’ve run out of the club into some shady alley where he was overpowered, something that could’ve been easily done considering the amount of drinks he had had and the emotional state he had been in. “God, Ben. How could you have been that stupid? No, I can’t think like that. I have to get out of here.”

He immediately searched around him, hoping that maybe there was an old pair of scissors or something sharp that had been tossed to the side years ago that could aid him in freeing his wrists. Neither of those were to be seen but he found an old and metal letter opener which could be squeezed in between the knots and wiggle them loose.

“Well,” He muttered as he grabbed the metal object, “it’s better than nothing.” He was about to wiggle it into the rope when he heard the click of the door. He threw the letter opener into the shadows near him and looked towards the sudden brightness where his supposed kidnapper stood. “Snoke?”

The man smirked.

“About time you woke up.” He commented, pulling forth a cigarette, putting it in his mouth and lighting it. “You’ve been out for almost a day.”

“Snoke, what the hell happened? And what the hell is this for?” Ben asked, still harboring much shock at the thought that Snoke, his friend, abducted him.

“First things first, how’s your head? You were bleedin’ quite badly last night.”

The tied up teen felt around his head and felt a large bump on the side of his head and a quick glance to his shoulder found a small trail of dried, brown blood running into his clothing.

“You’re honestly lucky that you didn’t bleed out.”

“Snoke, what the hell happened!?” Ben almost shouted, hating how the other seemed to be dodging his questions. “Where the fuck am I!? And why the hell am I tied up!?”

“What is the last thing you remember?” Snoke inquired, taking a bored huff from his cigarette and blowing out the smoke in the same bored manner.

“I…” Ben paused, hesitant to announce his previous memory as he was fully aware as to how Snoke would react to news like that. But something like this, Ben felt strong about his friend knowing the truth. “Keira… She kissed me. I think she was trying to get me to have sex with her. I pushed her away though.” He added quickly before Snoke lobbed his head off. Oddly, Snoke was silent and seemed to care little about the fact that his girlfriend had tried to cheat on him with his friends.

“You remember anything else?”

“No.”

“Wow.” Snoke muttered, the response surprising Ben. “That ketamine really hit you hard. I thought you would have some idea of what happened but damn, it made you forget everything.” Each word that Snoke said just deepened Ben’s confusion more and more, fear setting in again when he spoke again. “Good.”

“Good? How the hell is that good!? You’re hiding something from me! I know it!” There was an ominous silence between the two, Snoke’s frown eventually turning into a smirk.

“And I used to think that you were an absolute idiot.”

“What did Keira do to me!?” Ben shouted, “Tell me, damn it!” He wanted to run towards Snoke, wanted to run to him and choke him until he gave him the answers he wanted, but another tug on his wrists reminded him that he couldn’t do that.

“Don’t worry, you big baby. She did nothing worth noting.” He blew out another puff of smoke and stepped out of the room. “But if I were you, which I’m glad I’m not, I would be more worried about what will happen.”

“No, wait!” Ben screamed before Snoke slammed the door shut and locked it, leaving him alone and in the dark.

The fear that he had somewhat suppressed since waking had now quadrupled, his breathing speeding up to an unhealthy rate and his mind racing with terrifying thoughts of what could happen. Anything could happen. He was completely at Snoke’s mercy.

“Calm down, calm down. Everything will be okay. You can get out of here. Just… think... think.” He didn’t need to brood long.

He couldn’t leave via the door that was obvious. Not only because he had no means of  undoing the lock but he had no clue as to how many people were there besides Snoke and he had no idea what the layout of the building was either. These combined posed the highest risk of getting caught.

His way out was the window. It had no lock and the only other obstruction then was a mesh screen, which could easily be removed or cut through.

His biggest obstacles would be him getting his hands free and making certain he made no noise, none that would arouse suspicion anyway.

He waited in silence for an indefinite time, listening… Listening for voices, for movement, anything that would give him some clues as activity on the other side of the door. It was quiet, the only noise that he noticed coming from the heater coming to life. Snoke was likely sleeping.

Carefully, he began his attempts to undo the part of the rope that was attached to the dresser. The knots were unbelievably tight and trying to wriggle them loose caused his fingers a lot of pain but after an age, he got the first complicated knot done. From there, he easily managed to undo the other ones tying him down to the dresser.

He then retrieved the letter opener from the shadows and began to wriggle the object into one of the looser knots. He got it loose enough that he could undo the rest of it with his teeth. He repeated the same action again and again until finally the last knot was undone. A sigh of relief released from his mouth when the rough rope fell away from his reddened wrists, much needed blood flowing freely once again.

He immediately dashed for the window, carefully moving some extra clutter away to create more room. The teen was careful in where he placed the boxes and other junk in the way but he failed to notice another box, filled to the brim with useless junk that would’ve been more appropriate in a garage, slowly moving towards the edge of the desk it was on, pushed closer to it thanks to the items gradually being put onto the surface.

An ear-splitting racket ricocheted throughout the room and, no doubt, the entire building as the box slammed onto the floor and Ben found himself frozen from fear and shock, still unable to move when the racket had finally stopped.

“What the fuck?!” A voice hollered in the distance, a voice he knew wasn’t Snoke’s. It was…

The rattle of the lock snapped him out of his frozen state. He spun around, turning the lock on the window in a flash and removing the mesh just as quick.

“He’s trying to escape!” Was shouted as the door slammed open. In a panic, Ben kicked the window open. One foot was out the window and touched the free ground when he was grabbed by two sets of hands and dragged back into his prison.

“Let go of me!” Ben screamed, fighting as his mystery assailants dragged him out of the room. His screams continued and he struggled, his elbow eventually making contact with something (like a jaw or nose, considering the grunt of pain he heard) but they pulled him all the way to what appeared to be the living room and proceeded to drop him mercilessly to the floor.

More screams engulfed the room and rendered him near deaf, the rough hands turning him onto his back, where he faced his entire group of kidnappers.

Tarken, Kelan, Snoke, Keira; a feeling in his gut told him the other four were somewhere in the building.

“If this is some joke, it’s not funny.” Ben snapped.

"The only joke here is you."

"Kelan, shut up!" Snoke snapped and Kelan stepped back.

"What is going on?" Ben asked, hiding to hide his fear. "What are you all doing here? Why are you doing this?"

"As I said, I don't think you should be worried about what we've done." Snoke said menacingly, the others looking as though they were on the point a ramming a knife into his throat. "You need to be worried about what we're going to do."

Ben attempted to retort but movement from Keira stopped his words. She knelt down in front of him, giving him the same lewd smile as before.

"Now, be a good boy and lie still." She placed a hand on his chest, likely wanting to remove the shirt but Ben slapped her hand away, only to find a serrated hunting knife being pointed at him. "Don't make me use this." She hissed.

Ben stared at the blade for a moment, his breathe starting to shudder. It was probably a foolish mistake but his survival instinct kicked him and, using the skills learned from his mother years ago, he threw off the female and disarmed her, taking the knife and getting some distance between him and the others.

"What do you want from me!?" He shouted, keeping the knife out and ready for usage when Snoke stepped forward. "Answer me, damn it, or I'll run you through!" He couldn't believe he was saying such things but if it would get him answers...

“Calm down.” Snoke cooed, stepping forward with his hands up in surrender. “Let’s not act crazy.”

“Crazy!? The only thing crazy here is what the hell is happening! Which you still haven’t answered! Tell me!”

“Fine, I’ll tell you but, put the knife down first. I don’t think anyone is keen on asking questions while under the threat of being cut.”

“I’ll only lower it if Keira leaves.” The female appeared insulted but she left, not before rolling her eyes at Ben. Only when a nearby door clicked shut did he lower the knife, keeping a tight grip on it. “Talk. Now.”

Snoke took another step forward, holding out his hand.

“Maybe you should ditch the knife.”

“Like hell I’m giving this to you. Do you honestly think I still trust you enough to give you a knife?”

"I know you don't trust me. But it would still be in your better interest to give me that knife."

"How so? So you can attack me? I wasn't born yesterday, Snoke, so you are not getting this knife." His hands were shaking at this point.

“Hm…” Snoke hummed, closing the distance between him and Ben, “in that case.”

In an instant, Ben was on the floor as Snoke tackled him, the knife falling from his hand. He desperately grabbed for it but Snoke got it first, pointing it less than an inch away from his throat.

“Now, you will lie still.” He sneered, placing his free hand over Ben’s mouth and leaning onto his victim’s body to keep him from escaping, “And you will let us do our stuff. Whether you like it or not. Kelan, Keira! Get the stuff, will ya!?”

Ben struggled fiercely but Snoke kept him down. He heard some footsteps and doors opening and closing but he had no idea what was happening around him. He let out a cry of pain when someone grabbed him by his hair and pulled him towards the center of the room, putting him down on his chest. His arms were put behind his back and were ensnared once more with the rough rope, though this time, it was even tighter. Once the knots were finished, he was then turned onto his back.

Kelan approached him first, undoing his pants and proceeding to grope himself. Intense fear overwhelming him and survival instinct screaming at him to abandon rational thought, Ben used all the upper body strength he had to push himself off of the ground and kick up at his assailant. He kicked him square in the face. But as Kelan stumbled back, Keira took his place.

"Get away from me, you creep!" He hollered, kicking at her sloppily when as she came closer, it being enough to prevent her from initiating her plans for him. Maybe if he kicked enough, she would stop. However the kicks were only keeping her away; by no means did it seem to deter her motivation. "Stop it!" He screamed with another kick, it landing a blow on her leg. It caused her to stumble back but to Ben’s horror, she managed to catch his foot as well.

“Snoke! Give me a hand here!” Keira snapped, holding on to the foot tightly as Ben began resisting again. It soon became futile to fight as Snoke moved to take hold of both of Ben’s feet and pinned them down, his mobility further hindered when Keira straddled him and Tarken pushed down on his shoulders. “There’s two ways we can do this.” She said to Ben softly as she pulled a small packet from her pocket and removed a blue pill from it. “You either take this willingly or I’m stuffing it down your throat.”

Ben kept his mouth shut.

“Oh, not feeling very talkative now?” She said threateningly. She snatched his jaw roughly and forced his lips open, the opening just big enough to slip the pill in. “Swallow.” She ordered, slamming her hand over his mouth. Ben shook his head, “Do it!” When he declined once more, she clamped his nose shut. “SWALLOW!”

Eyes wide in panic, Ben wiggled madly but his oxygen remained cut off. In the haze of panic and the desperation for air, he reluctantly swallowed the tiny blue object. The instant it was down his throat, Keira removed her hand and the air quickly filled his lungs again; the sense of relief was short-lived.

“No!” Ben screamed when he spotted the woman opening his plaid shirt and promptly ripping the black tank top he had been wearing underneath it. “Please! Why are you doing this!?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Keira chuckled, moving her hand to grope his crotch, smirking when she noticed him wince, “I’m going to fuck you so hard that you’ll never think of fucking boys ever again.”

“I’m demisexual, bitch! Get it right!” Ben hollered, his anger momentarily outweighing all the fear he had within him.

“Shut up; you’re ruining my fun.”

“You’re sick.” He hissed.

“And you’re talking too much. Kelan! Give me the gag!” The fear came crashing back and Ben tried to scream, hoping to God that there was someone outside that could hear him but Keira slammed her hand over his mouth yet again, rendering him silent. Moments later, Kelan, blood dripping from his mouth and nose, appeared above him, holding something in his hand. When Ben had heard the word “gag”, he had anticipated a handkerchief of some kind. Whatever Kelan was holding didn’t even look like a gag to him, just a red ball with two leather straps attached to it.

“You know what this is?” Kelan asked with a smirk, holding the odd object up. Ben shook his head. “God you’re innocent.” He laughed, proceeding to kneel down and stuffing the red ball into Ben’s mouth.

The teen protested the invading object and tried to get rid of it but Kelan roughly pulled his head up by his hair, tying the two leather straps together so tightly that the leather cut into Ben’s skin. Any sounds of pain or discomfort were quickly drown out by Snoke, telling Keira to “get on with it”.

As he felt Keira pull down his pants, Ben tried to scream, to kick, to do anything that would get her away but it only took him moments to realize that nothing would work; they had the upper hand. Still, he didn’t stop wiggling until he felt the cooled air on his crotch.

It was here that he froze.

He knew what was happening but he couldn’t comprehend that it was happening to him. This only happened to girls and yet, here he was, being assaulted and lying still as if he had lost control of all his limbs. If people knew what was happening, they would probably be wondering why he was lying still and not attempting to fight, why he was letting them do this so easily to him when he was both taller and stronger than all four. Ben himself could hardly understand why he was lying so still.

“ _Please, stop. Please_.” He begged, doubting that even God could hear his plea. Hot tears began running down his face as unpleasant and intense sensations he had never felt before began flowing through him, the feelings no doubt intensified due to the drugs.

“The little bitch is crying.” Kelan taunted above him, he, Tarken and Snoke laughing while Keira panted and moaned.

“ _Please_.” Ben begged once more as an uncomfortable tightness developed in his abdomen. Someone or something must’ve heard him as less than a minute later, the tightness was gone and Keira, only moments later, let out a louder moan than before. Everything was silent expect for her panting.

“Move. It’s my turn.” Kelan said.

Ben felt Keira move off of his body and another of his assailants moved him onto his stomach. He began squirming but Kelan kept him down with a tight grip on his bound hands. He tried to scream and shout ‘no’, to do anything to stop him, but it became futile.

If he hadn’t been gagged, Ben’s screams could’ve been heard outside. He thought the pain and humiliation inflicted by Keira was already horrendous but this made that seems like the minutest thing in existence. He felt as though he was being ripped apart, physically and mentally, and his lower half was burning with pain, while his dignity and sense of humanity was destroyed with each subsequent rough thrust.

With Keira, he could close his eyes and somewhat pretend it wasn’t happening. But this… how could he ignore this?

“ _Stop, stop, stop_ …” He begged, it accompanied with the fleeting hope that his situation couldn’t get worse.

A pain worse than anything he had ever felt before ripped through him and the scream he let out was perhaps the loudest as well, loud enough that even the gag couldn’t mask it. He begged for Kelan to stop but any words he tried to formulate morphed into whimpers as the excruciating pain continued.

“Fuck…” Kelan panted, increasing his pace more, completely disregarding the whimpers of the man below him. “You’re so fucking tight… Fuck.” He came only seconds later, barely regarding the whimpers as he pulled out, tucking himself back in and redoing his pants.

“Holy shit, you did quite a number on him.” Snoke commented

“That’s quite a bit of blood. And that’s saying something.” Keira added.

The four continued talking behind him but Ben couldn’t bring himself to listen. He remained still on the floor, his face as blank and emotionless as the emptiness he felt inside while the warm tears kept rolling from his eyes with no indication of stopping anytime soon. He dragged his limbs close enough in a meager attempt to bring himself comfort and warmth but it brought him nothing. The vast cold only spiraled his thoughts down a darker path, so dark that death seemed like a welcome escape.

He wanted to die. Some rational side of him told him he shouldn’t think things like that but why should he care if he died here and now? Kelan and Keira had already stripped him of whatever dignity, self-esteem, and self-worth he had. He didn’t care if he died right now.

He didn’t want to live right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments and kudos! I appreciate all of them!
> 
> I'll try to have the next chapter up ASAP


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe some of you noticed that I changed the story summary around. I made some changes to the main plot and ended up deleting a few major things, hence the changes to the summary. 
> 
> No warnings this time. Enjoy :)

Growing up in a religious family and having an uncle that was a pastor, Ben had often spend time thinking about principles of his faith. One of them was what Heaven and Hell were like. In his younger, more devote, years, it was quite simple: the former was ethereal goodness and the place you wanted to go to and the latter was eternal flames of agony and the place you wanted to avoid. As he got older and dealt with the realities of life, he lost the belief of the existence of these two places.

Now, imprisoned in a small room, tied once more on the furniture, the belief in the existence of Hell was being to reemerge in him. Adding to his torture was an AC unit. Tarken had brought it in and had put it on its highest setting, sending icy air into the room. He hadn’t quite lost feeling in his hand yet but it was slowly inching to that point. As Snoke had retied his hands in front, he was at least able to breathe hot air into his hands and relieve the cold agony momentarily but he soon realized that the moisture in his breath would, in the long term, make his hands even colder.

Another option was to squeeze his hands between his legs but that would leave the rest of his body exposed. His last option, and the one he chose, was to alternate between warming his hands and the rest of his freezing body. As he fought for warmth, he reminisced on the situation and the answers Snoke had finally given him

It had all been a lie. Friendship had never existed. Snoke had only ever approached him because he was in such a vulnerable state at the time (huddled in a lone hallway, hiding from bullies) and that state had made it easy from him to encroach a sense of control over Ben. A few sugarcoated words to convince the loner that the intimidating teenager above him didn’t view him as the emo freak of the school and Snoke had Ben caught in his net.

At the time, Ben could tell that Snoke was controlling but he merely attributed it to just being part of his personality. Never in his wildest dreams did he think that this out-of-control desire for control would end up with him cutting off his family and being kidnapped by the one who saved him from the lonely years of high school. He never would’ve imagined that a friend would be the creator of his own personal Hell.

After the answers had come, the beating started. Snoke kicked his chest repeatedly and then proceeded to beat Ben’s face until blood dripped from his mouth.

“I’m just doing this ‘cause I can.” Snoke had taunted before he punched Ben’s jaw once more and left the room.

The tied up teen waited until the footsteps had faded into the distance before he allowed himself to cry. Through his tears, he began to feel around his chest. Thankfully, nothing felt broken but there was definite damage to his ribs, seeing that he had some pains when he breathed in and a certain area felt as though it were swelling a little; he’d have to avoid exerting himself and staying in one position for too long until help came.

If it came at all.

His tears increased tenfold as his mind abruptly crossed his parents. He found himself wishing for his father’s snarky yet well-placed remarks, wishing for his mother to hug him and play with his hair, for Rey to induce one of her frequent tickle massacres, for his Uncle’s long, thoughtful, and interesting speeches about some random topic, for Chewie to come snuggle up to him. 

He missed them. He missed them so much. And the last thing he had said to them all were words of anger and declarations that he hated them. He wanted to say sorry but no doubt they would never accept it. Hell, if they knew what had happened to him, they’d probably say that he deserved it. After all, sinners had to pay for their wrongdoings.

“Mom… Dad. I’m so sorry.” He cried softly, his stomach falling with the thought that he would likely never see them again. “I’m so sorry.” They would never know what had happened. They would never know what he had thought, what he had felt, what he had done. They’d never know of the assault or how violated and scared he had felt. They would never hear him express his guilt or see him make up for his mistakes. He would disappear from existence and they would know nothing.

His tears continued and, wanting the pain to stop, he reached for a pen he had spotted nearby and began to draw on the blank pages scattered next to him. He could barely see what he was drawing and had no doubt that it looked horrible but he didn’t care; if it lifted his boredom and kept his mind from the depressing thoughts about the mistakes he had made, it was more than enough. Once the first scribbles of nonsense was done, he signed his name on the side of the drawing, promptly sliding it to the side and getting a new sheet, the pen barely staying in his half frozen hand.

For some reason, the second picture ended up with a pair of stick figures. He had no idea what they were doing but one looked as though he deserved to have a speech bubble that said “help” on it.

An idiotic thought crossed his mind. Maybe, just maybe, someone was out there looking for him. Perhaps, he could leave a message for that someone… It was a humongous risk, one that could have serious consequences if Snoke caught him, but it was his last hope and he needed to use this fragment of a feeling to save himself before they destroyed him more than they already had. It was die alone, or die in one last attempt of escape; the latter was much more appealing.

He grabbed a blank paper and wrote the first thing that came to mind.

_Help me. My name is Ben Solo. Please help._

He ensured the letters were big and bold and, once the sign was done, he began warming his hands. Once warm enough, he carefully lifted the furniture, yanked the rope off of the leg, and placed it back down. Quiet as a mouse, he snuck to the window and discreetly placed the paper on the sill, double checking that it would stay upright before he tied the rope back to the furniture.

The only thing he could do now was wait and hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Exciting thing in the next chapter: a new character shows up.
> 
> Come bug me on Tumblr: petalouda85.tumblr.com


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel really shitty that it took me this long to finish and update this but I had a busy time studying and completing a bunch of assignments for Uni; it’s the busiest I’ve ever been for it. 
> 
> Anyway, there’s a new character and it is likely that the story will now involve different POVs of different characters. It's likely the main POV will still be Ben but that remains to be seen.
> 
> Enjoy the chapter; I hope it was worth the wait,

Dressed in a civilian clothing, Poe Dameron stepped out of the airplane and onto the tarmac. Silently, he followed the line of people into the airport and headed towards the baggage claim. He was thankful he decided to wear regular clothing; no one came up to him and thanked him for the services he had yet to do. That, and he was too tired to deal with strangers coming to him and talking to him.

He had recently completed his training to become a pilot in the Canadian Air Force. After nearly 4 years of training all over the country, he was finally back home. It was slightly odd being back but he tried to not let it bother him as he pulled his luggage through the terminal and headed towards the taxis. He knew he could've just called his parents and ask them to pick him up but he wanted to surprise them.

The taxi driver was a charming man, asking Poe where he was headed and similar questions. The conversation between the two continued when Poe mentioned his recent accomplishment within the army, to which the driver revealed that he had a daughter in the army as well. The two talked away and a minute later, or what felt like it, Poe found himself being driven through the residential streets towards the house.

"Can you actually stop here?" He asked when they were only a street away from where his parents lived.

"Sure." The taxi slowed to a stop as Poe counted out his fare in cash; thankfully he had enough.

"Keep the change." He told the driver. He got out, retrieved his suitcase and began walking towards his destination.

The street hadn't changed, the houses still small and old-fashioned, the grass still green and lush. The wind blew through the canopy of trees, it tousling his hair and making him smile; he had missed that warm, summer wind.

It didn't take long before he spotted the house of his parents. He could tell his mother had been busy in the garden as the flowers in the front were beautiful and bright; maybe he should've dropped by the store and buy her some flowers.

"Whatever." He muttered as he walked up towards the front door, ignoring the desolate area known as the neighbors; still too lazy to make a half-hearted attempt to make it look decent. He knocked a few times and waited patiently, hearing ticks of crutches approaching the door.

"Poe!" His mother cried, dropping the crutches to tightly embrace her son.

"Hi, mom." The man replied, hugging his mother back, tears forming in his eyes; this was better than anything Skype could offer.

"You're home early! Why didn't you tell me?" The female continued in rapid Spanish, Poe almost unable to understand her.

"I wanted to surprise you." He responded.

After more hugs, kisses and a few tears, Poe helped his mother back into the house, helping her sit down in the kitchen while he prepared coffee for her.

For hours, mother and son talked, mostly about Poe's time away for training. Eventually, the conversation fell on his mother's life while he had been training. He was grateful to hear that her wheelchair was mostly unused at this point but he wasn't exactly ecstatic to hear that she was still in therapy and restricted to walking on crutches. Even so, she was definitely better compared to the last time he saw her and her chances of recovery were high.

Eventually, his father joined as well. He had been at the vet with Poe's cat and had been just as oblivious about his son's return as his wife. The afternoon sped by for them, the conversation going from Poe's training to the cat to living arrangements to Poe's friends in the military. Upon the mentioning of his friends, Poe told his parents of his plans to meet up with some friends that same night. They seemed a tad upset that Poe was already going out with friends and barely even settled. Still, they didn't voice it and his father offered to drive him to the meeting spot.

By the time he reached the pub, his friends were already waiting for him: Jessika, Yolo, Temmin and Finn. It was good to see them all. They were all military but they had either already finished their training or had trained in different parts of the country, making this the first time all five of them had been together. Of the four, Finn was the one Poe hadn't seen the longest as he had been sent overseas shortly after he had started training and during the times he had been home, Finn hadn't been there for different reasons. Now though, they were all together.

After the expected conversation about Poe's training, it drifted to more casual things, like relationships.

"You having any luck, Finn?" Yolo asked, after having talked in detail about his girlfriend and the process of moving in together. "How is... what was her name again?"

"Emma." Finn answered.

"Emma. How is she? Did it go alright?" Finn sighed, taking a small sip of his drink.

"It went alright, I guess, but it didn't work out, if that's what you're wondering."

"Oh, that's a pity." Yolo mused. "Well, I won't try to set up another blind date for you anytime soon."

"Thanks."

After a brief chuckle the turning their attention to the love life of Jessika and Temmin, Poe temporarily distracted himself by looking at the numerous TVs in the bar. There had been a hockey game going on but the station was currently delivering a news story. It was a missing person report. With the noise around him, Poe couldn't hear the details expect for the photo they showed of the missing person and the name written underneath it.

"Ben Solo." He muttered. The guy looked familiar to him; maybe they had gone to school together.

"Poe?" Jessika called, her gaze moving to the TV when she noticed him not looking at her. "Oh yeah. That's been the talk of the town lately." She explained as the news story ended and moved to the next commercial. "Apparently, he was taken right under the noses of the people at some club and the security cameras there have been unable to pick up the faces of the kidnappers or the license plate of the car."

"It's quite an upsetting story. I hope they find him." There was a murmur of agreement around the table and the topic ended up dampening the mood for a while. But just as quickly as it had dampened it, the mood returned to the jovial state it had been, with the group continuing their debate about relationships.

The celebrations ended in the early morning and Poe, not wanting to burden his parents by rousing them this early, proceeded to walk home, Finn at his side. The walk back had the same vibe as the one in the bar, the two talking as if they had not been a day apart.

"Is your mom still having issues with the neighbors?" Finn asked as they neared the park that would lead towards Poe's house.

"Yeah." Poe answered, kicking at random pebbles on the sidewalk.

"Makes you wonder where the parents are."

"They're there sometimes, but not enough. Honestly, so long as he keeps his nasty comments about my parents to himself, I’ll be okay.”

"Just watch: one of these days, he's going to get his ass hurled in jail."

"When that happens, I'll laugh." The two friends shared a brief chuckle at the statement, their stroll stopping as they reached the point where they would part ways.

"It was good to see you, Finn." Poe said as he embraced his friend.

"You too." With a few words that carried the promise to see each other more frequently, they went their own way, Finn continuing down the sidewalk while Poe took the path that lead into the park.

Hands stuffed into the pockets of his jacket, Poe stared up at the starry sky, the beauty making him smile and spreading a deep calm through him. He could never get enough of the sky. Day or night, on the ground or in the air, he loved the sky. This love had truly taken flight thanks to his mother since she too had been a pilot. When he was younger, she would take him to the local airport and fly smaller planes over the city. Once back on the ground, she would teach him what each button did and other important lessons. They were precious memories, seeing that she wasn't allowed to pilot anymore due to injuries sustained the last time she had served overseas. He remembered how upset she had been at this news, despite her efforts to hide it even now, so, Poe had been planning a special surprise for her for her birthday in a few weeks. He would take her flying over the city, just as she had done with him in the past; he was excited to give this gift.

While he had been stuck in his mind, he had reached his house. Ignoring the loud music from neighboring house, he headed to the side door of his own. He was ready to step in when he noticed a piece of paper with writing on it in the window of his neighbor. Thinking that it might be an insult towards his parents, Poe went to inspect it.

_Help me. My name is Ben Solo. Please help._

With a gasp, he looked into the window and nearly screamed when he saw someone lying on the ground, their back facing him. Ever so lightly, he knocked on the window. To his relief, the person turned, Poe finally getting a good look at their face. Even with massive bruises and a cut by his eyebrow and a split lip, the male could tell that the person tied to the dresser was the one on the missing person’s report he had seen only hours earlier.

“Help me.” Ben mouthed. Poe immediately fumbled for his cellphone and, his hands shaking slightly, dialed 911. Before he pressed call, he showed Ben what he had dialed and mouthed,

“I will be back.” And he dashed through the side door into his house, pressing call as soon as the door was closed behind him and he was safe from being detected by the kidnapper.

“911, what’s your emergency.”

“I need police at 3014 Duke Street. I found Ben Solo.”

\---

Someone had seen his message and they were calling the police!

“Just a few more minutes.” Ben whispered over and over, hugging himself closely, wishing that the police would be here sooner so he could finally feel warm again.

The door began rattling and it soon flew open, both Snoke and Tarken in the door. Snoke was smiling at Ben, an half empty beer bottle in one hand and the serrated knife in the other.

“How is my little pet?” Snoke slurred, stepping into the room. “Is he having fun in his winter wonderland? Does he need a little warmth?” The drunk man sat down behind Ben and proceeded to hug him, holding him as though they were lovers.

Ben had become stiff with fear as soon as Snoke touched him and his breathe was shuddering already, silently hoping that this was the worst Snoke would do.

“Hm… You smell nice.” Snoke cooed after he had taken a long sniff of Ben’s hair. He began playing with the luscious black locks, still ignorant of how stiff Ben was. “You’re so pretty. Why don’t you gimmie a kiss?”

Ben didn’t move a muscle.

“Please?” Snoke whined, grabbing Ben’s jaw and forcing him to face him. He proceeded to slap him across the cheek when he remained unresponsive.

Trying to keep the nauseating feeling in his stomach at bay, Ben leaned up and gave the most chaste peck possible on Snoke's lips.

"That's it?" Snoke snapped, roughly grabbing Ben's chin again and shoving his mouth against his, ignoring the squeak of protest. He made an attempt to prod his tongue into Ben's mouth but stopped when the man refused to open his mouth. "What? Don't like that?" He sneered, digging his hand under Ben's shirt and proceeded to move the cold over the even colder skin.

To Ben, the hand felt warm but, instead of relief, it terrified him more so. He shut his eyes and tried to delve his mind into a place where he wasn't tied up, alone or scared. It was hard to do as Snoke began to tease his nipples, sending even more fear down his body.

He thought it was his imagination, his desperate mind clinging to tiny straws of hope, but he heard the well-known sirens of police. It was distant and he dismissed it; if it were real, it would merely pass by and go to a different crime. But, the sounds grew louder to the point that it was deafening. He dared a peek at the window and he nearly cried when he saw the mixture of red and blue light.

"You bastard!" Snoke yelled, dragging Ben out of his bliss. The man above him looked more terrifying than ever before, his eyes ablaze with pure rage. "You fucking bastard!" Before Ben could scream, Snoke had his hands wrapped tightly around his throat, pressing down so hard that he could not even get the smallest whiff of air.

As someone pounded on the front door, Ben wriggled underneath him and tried to yank one of the hands lose but Snoke was much stronger and didn't budge.

He thought he heard the door slam open and people screaming in the hallway but the darkness took him quickly, the last thing ingrained in his mind being Snoke's insane face.

\----

“Son, can you hear me?  Do you know what day it is?” A female voice echoed above him. “Can you tell me your name?”

His name? That was easy; it’s Ben. He felt his mouth moving, formulating “Ben”, but no sound left it.

A light was shone into his eye, making him cringe slightly from the sudden brightness.

“Can you hear me?”

He tried to answer again but once more, no sound left his throat. He quickly answered with a small nod.

“Do you know what day it is?” The woman asked again, to which Ben answered with a shake of his head. “Do you know where you are?” Another shake of the head. “We’re taking you to the hospital. There’s nothing wrong with you but we need to run a few tests to make sure you’re okay.”

Ben nodded once more before the mystery woman left his sight. He blinked several times, his vision becoming clearer with each blink. He was in an ambulance, the mystery woman to his left turning out to be a paramedic and to his right, a multitude of medical equipment from a breathing mask to a screen which displayed his heart rate.

He knew where he was now and where he was going but so many other questions remained unanswered.

What had happened? Where was Snoke? Keira? Why couldn't he talk? What would happen to him?

"Ben?" The teen turned his head to the source and when his eyes fell on it, he felt as though he could cry. There, sitting opposite and out of the way of the paramedic, were his parents. He couldn't pinpoint an exact emotion in him but he managed to decipher joy, guilt, and fear in the turbulent mixture. Confusion was added when they shuffled closer and sat next to him, Leia taking his hand into her own. Both had a soft smile on their faces but Ben noted that Leia had the signs of tears in her eyes.

He tried to say sorry but at this point even his lips weren't cooperating.

"It's okay, kid." Han said softly, the snark Ben had been accustomed to gone. "You're safe."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come bug me on Tumblr: petalouda85.tumblr.com


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